


We Damned Few

by chararii



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Murder, BAMF Haruno Sakura, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood and Violence, But different, Character Death, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cults, Cussing, F/F, F/M, Fire, Hidan is his own warning, It doesn't stick though, Jashinism, Just a little angst, Multi, Nudity, Sexual Content, Vampires, a lot of fire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 25,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25011748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chararii/pseuds/chararii
Summary: Sakura gets bitten to death which, while not exactly ideal, is just a shitty enough way to die it's almost expected. Waking up two days after the fact in a dark cave with still lungs and an even stiller heart, is not.In which vampires are very real and they're ruining Sakura's life. (Ha. Life. It'd be funny if she wasn't, you know, dead.)
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Hidan, Haruno Sakura/Hidan, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura/multiple people
Comments: 98
Kudos: 195





	1. Situation All Fucked Up

**Author's Note:**

> Presenting the vampire AU nobody asked for! Featuring: 
> 
> Fledgling Vampire "I will set you on fire until you die" Sakura,  
> Vampire Lord and Jashin's Chosen "Godfuckingdamnit bitch, STOP TRYING TO SET ME ON FIRE!" Hidan,  
> Akatsuki who-did-not-sign-up-for-this,  
> Sasuke "Wtf Sakura, we're supposed to get married where the FUCK ARE YOU" Uchiha  
> and  
> Amekage "Miss me with that shit" Konan.

She's seventeen and on a mission in Tea, when it happens. It's a nice day, sunny and warm with a small breeze on the side. Perfect for an easy courier mission that she only took to get out of the village for a few days. The elder council is a blight upon this earth, she thinks and remembers how they pull levers and push buttons, do everything in their power to make sure Sasuke chooses a 'more appropriate' woman to continue his clan legacy with. They're not even of legal marriage age yet and those old relics meddle in their affairs as if their entire history together is nothing more than a particularly interesting episode of Konoha's favourite soap opera.

A childhood crush but oh no, the girl's feelings are being spurned by the anti-social, trauma-riddled last Uchiha! Some team bonding but then he betrays his village and leaves with its greatest traitor in an effort to get strong enough to vanquish his murderous brother! Two years apart, the girl and boy train and improve until they meet one fateful day where the girl tries to convince him to come back but he refuses! The drama! The tragedy! Will love ever prevail?

Sakura genuinely thought that getting Sasuke to return to the village and making him fall in love with her was the hard part. As it turns out, that is the _easy_ part. Village politics are a bitch.

Sakura always had issues with impulse control and she's not above admitting it. Which is why Tsunade-shishou kindly suggested a mission. Kind, when used in relation to shishou, means violently. With fists. And the occasional boulder. Sakura, long since used to this particular brand of training regimen, takes it with a grain of salt, heals her bruises and then proceeds to pack a small bag. It's not a long trip, the mission itself a C-Rank. Privately, Sakura is of the opinion that shishou really could have given her a B-Rank instead. Or an A-Rank. She's just two recommendations away from being put forward for the jounin exams and C-Ranks are for children.

In hindsight, that honestly should have been a hint. It's always the C-Ranks that go to shit. And wow. So much shit.

Later, much _much_ later Sakura would realise that the forest was too quiet. No bird song, the hum of insects conspicuously absent, an utter lack of the pitter patter of tiny bunny paws. But her head is filled with thoughts on a marriage that slowly but steadily gets ruined by outside forces before they even set a date and thus, she doesn't notice. All she does is walk, quietly humming a tune she picked up in a nearby village and taking her sweet time. The mission parameters state an estimated duration of four days. Sakura delivered the scroll in one. She has plenty of opportunity to take it slow.

All of these facts combined are what lead to her ultimately failing to notice the moving shadow behind her. By the time she does notice it, it's touching her, one hand locking her wrists in a death grip, the other tilting her head to the side and burying its teeth in her neck.

She doesn't do much thinking afterwards, too busy lying in a ditch in the middle of goddamn bloody nowhere, paralysed and bleeding out. Though it's not so much 'bleeding out' as it is 'dying of fatal blood loss'. There's a difference there, as she will soon come to learn. But not right now.

Right now, Sakura is very much preoccupied with being dead.

Her first thought after waking up is that she's on fire. Sakura can't move, her body refuses to cooperate with her while she burns on the inside. Her blood boils, her veins are filled with lava, she can't _breathe_ -

Sakura's eyes snap open. There is darkness all around her but oh, it's _dark_. Like really, proper dark. She gets dizzy as her head begins to spin, her mind quietly muttering at her about sensory overloads and too much input but all she can concentrate on is the way the world suddenly looks different. She feels like she stares through the lense of a kaleidoscope. There is so much more to dark than simple darkness. Sakura blinks, observes in awe the microscopic specks of dust that flutter through the air, agitated by her every movement. Ambient light is completely absent for all she can tell yet there is a barely noticeable shimmer of red tinting her vision and it can distinguish the structure of the rock around her, the way the ground is layered, the subtle shimmer of water coating stone.

But oh, the _pain_. Sakura wonders if this is what dying feels like when she remembers that she already did the whole dying part. Is this... death? The afterlife? Purgatory? She genuinely wishes she was religious enough to believe in anything that promises eternal rest in a somewhat nicer environment. She's in a damp cave for kami's sake. There has to be something better than that.

And while she's at it, who even dies to a bite? Actually, who kills people by biting their necks? It _has_ to be some sort of foreign bloodline or else it's just too weird to be comfortable with. Here she was, Haruno Sakura, soon to be Uchiha, apprentice to the legendary Senju Tsunade, almost jounin of Konohagakure, vanquished by some freak with a fetish. Part of her hopes they never find the corpse just so they can believe she ran off or something. Her frequent arguments with the elders and then ranting about the elders in front of her friends surely lends the idea some credibility.

As long as Ino doesn't find out. Ino can never find out. She will laugh, then cry, then laugh some more. Maybe even start a petition to get her cause of death engraved onto her headstone. Ino would absolutely be spiteful enough to do that. Leave it to that woman to be upset with Sakura for dying instead of the asshole that offed her.

Speaking of.

Sakura's not entirely sure what's going to happen now. Because all that agony is getting old quite fast and if there's a light at the end of this tunnel-cave, will she get the opportunity to turn into a ghost? She'd take it if only to haunt that loser. And the elders. Perhaps she could mess with shishou's sake. It'd be funny to watch her throw her desk at someone else for a change.

Sakura can only entertain herself with “what-if-I-was-a-ghost” for so long before it gets boring. Her whole body still hurts like a bitch but she likes to think that the ache moved from everywhere to mostly her head. Specifically her eyes. And ears. And teeth. Holy shit, the teeth. If she didn't know any better she'd think that they're _growing_. Rationally, Sakura knows that some parts of a dead body continue to grow while the rest decomposes but not at this rate.

Unless her sense of time itself is off by a mile and a half. Which, again, possible. But even if she ignores that, nothing about this entire situation makes sense. Can bodies change in the afterlife? Actually, why is she in pain? She already died, there are no living cells, no nerves, no electronic signals, no brain activity. Sakura honestly wishes someone would come over and explain to her the rules of what happens to you after you die.

Unless she's not actually dead but Sakura really can't deal with the headache that is even considering the idea. Not on top of the headache she already suffers from. Did she mention the teeth?

Time passes or maybe it doesn't but eventually, the pain just... stops. Sakura's not sure whether it receded gradually and she simply slept through the change or if it's gone from moment to the next but she doesn't waste much time pondering. The relief is too overwhelming. Out of curiosity she opens her eyes, then promptly closes them again. She tries again. The red doesn't go away. Is she in hell?

Sakura raises her arm but oh, her skin has the same faded red tinge as the stone surrounding her. Considering the lack of light sources she arrives at the conclusion that her vision is now thoroughly fucked. She doesn't mind the change per se because red has always been her favourite colour but mourns the increased difficulty level of picking that specific shade that doesn't clash with her hair. Sakura lets out an annoyed sigh, followed by a yelp. Did she just poke herself? Experimentally she moves her tongue around and- kami, teeth. Fangs. Sharp and pointy and _fangs_.

Red vision and fangs. This feels less like an afterlife by the minute and more and more like some sort of twisted personal hell, Sakura realises as she notices that her heart doesn't beat, her lungs don't work but she can still move her body, think and feel and oh _fuck_.

She's not actually dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prologue is not representative of actual chapter length which will probably vary (or not. I never know). This is mostly a relaxation project, something hopefully funny and crack-ish (?). Very sporadic updates, no set schedule but I never abandon anything.  
> Rating mostly for cussing, some graphic violence and non-explicit sexual situations.
> 
> And crack. Oh God the crack. Don't expect high quality from this one.


	2. Things Do Not Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am genuinely surprised by all the comments I got for this low effort project. I'm glad people liked it! It's just a silly little thing that I write because it's fun and not as depressing as my longfic but hey, sharing is caring!

Someone, somewhere, is laughing at her. She's sure of it. And the second she finds them she is going to _kick their ass_.

Sakura is convinced that this is the point where she would start hyperventilating. She notices the signs, is filled with internal panic and paws at her chest, trying to feel for any sort of movement at all. Nothing. Next, she reaches for her wrist but there is no pulse. Sakura takes a single breath, goes through the motion and sucks in the air but nothing... happens. There is no relief, nor is there pain or dizziness if she waits for an entire minute before mechanically repeating the movement. Her muscles react and follow through yet something is _missing_.

For all intents and purposes, she is breathing and it doesn't make any sense what-

In that moment, she realises. Sakura is breathing. But she doesn't need to. She lies still on the ground, waits, waits and waits. None of her expectations come true. She doesn't pass out, doesn't convulse, doesn't suffocate. Her body is perfectly happy with a total lack of oxygen supply.

“What the fuck,” she breathes (ha!) quietly only to flinch heavily a second later when her voice echoes around the cave, bouncing back and forth and somehow not fading out. Echoes are supposed to get weaker until they disappear entirely. Sound cannot be preserved like that forever. Perhaps it was this place? Nobody would be more relieved than Sakura to discover that she was dead and in the afterlife after all. Experimentally, she scratches her nails against the damp stone. Big mistake.

It scratches and screeches and holy fuck, she's pretty sure she just busted an eardrum. Or two.

Moaning sickly, she presses a hand to her forehead and waits until the ringing disappears. That's one mystery solved then. If her ears are this sensitive, it is no wonder the echoes never seem to fade.

One way or another, she's just about had enough of this. Something is clearly going on and Sakura is not going to find out what unless she gets out of this damn cave. She may not need to breathe anymore and apparently heartbeats and blood circulation are completely overrated but she is still here – wherever here is – and armed with a healthy dose of fury.

It could always be a genjutsu, Sakura thinks as she rouses from her position, for once pleasantly surprised that she doesn't need to stretch. Curiously, she flexes her muscles and finds that they're loose and relaxed instead of stiff from disuse. Well. She's not about to argue against that. The red though. She very much wants to argue against the red. Utterly distracting, is what it is. If there's a way to turn off this colour filter she needs to learn of it asap.

As Sakura takes her first step, she's not hit by a wave of dizziness or vertigo. As a matter of fact, now that the pain is gone she finds that she's never felt better before. All her senses are awake and alert, her body seems to obey her more readily than before. She can't think of a single instance where she felt better than she does now. It's quite nice, actually.

Sakura falls into a light jog, eyes and ears easily keeping her on track and away from walls or uneven ground. Navigating the cave is kind of a no-brainer and Sakura hopes that whatever happened – or is happening – to her doesn't take away her newfound sense of direction and ability to wander around in darkness without tripping every five goddamn seconds. Naruto can be such a cunt about his kyuubi-inflicted night vision.

Also, fuck this cave is huge. Whoever attacked and bit her didn't even have the decency to bring her somewhere else. Clearly they failed to kill her. Unless the entire purpose of that ambush was to bite her which... yikes. Sakura refuses to think about that. Suddenly she's really glad Sasuke's tastes are as vanilla as they come. It gets a little old sometimes but hey, she loves him. It's leagues better than bite fetishes. On a hunch, she sticks a hand down her pants and sighs in relief. Yeah, okay. That didn't happen. Good.

Only a few minutes of meandering later, Sakura's nostrils suddenly pick up a smell. She stops immediately and sniffs once, then twice, then blinks in confusion once she notices that she honest to kami bared her teeth. Her mouth clamps shut but nevertheless, Sakura takes another step forwards in order to try and locate the source of the smell. It's... sweet. Tangy, a little salty, kind of like iron. Oh damn she's hungry. She's hungry and someone, somewhere has what seems to be fresh meat they're about to roast.

Completely without consent, her legs suddenly break into a run which is a bad idea. She's fast, faster than she has ever been and it really distracts her. Distracts her to the point that she stumbles and falls flat on her face.

Sakura curses viciously as she goes down and braces herself for the pain that is sure to follow, except. Well. It doesn't follow. She blinks like a moron, confused because she just faceplanted herself on fucking rock and her nose isn't broken. It doesn't even hurt. If anything, it feels more like Sasuke poking her forehead than having an actual accident. On instinct, Sakura rolls over and reaches for her thigh to pinch it. A second later she howls in pain because KAMIFUCKINGDAMNIT that _hurts_.

It's in this moment that Sakura is convinced she fell asleep a human and either woke up a monster or some sort of zombie. Is this what being edo tensei'd feels like? Oh hell, did some fucker resurrect her from the dead or some shit? Nothing here makes any bloody sense and she's just about to rant to herself again when she decides that enough is enough. The sudden growl of her stomach agrees with her. Sakura can wallow in misery later. Right now she needs to fucking eat.

Her nose is a wonderful thing and it leads her through tunnels, past an underground lake and upwards as the fragrance intensifies. Rationally, Sakura knows that she doesn't need to breathe but goes through the motions anyway because honestly, after seventeen years of being normal it's become a fucking habit. She doesn't tire but finds her breath speed up nevertheless. She thinks her mouth might water except it's dry and wow, that sucks. Like really sucks. It's horrible. She wants to have a drink, preferably right now before her throat turns to dust or something.

Sakura twitches with every step she takes, irritated by the sound of a faint heartbeat in her ears. It's annoying because it's not her own and the echo is so loud and insistent it's impossible to ignore. Her fingers claw at nothing as she speeds up even more, now more flying than running since her feet barely touch ground. The hunger is overwhelming and there's food, she knows it, can smell and hear it and it gets closer, closer, _closer_ -

She rounds the corner and visibly recoils. There is no meat, nor is there roast. There's not even a fire. All Sakura can see is a living person tied to a hastily erected wooden cross.

“What the fuck,” she mumbles before approaching the unconscious man. He's alive but naked, arranged in an almost artful manner, a sight both obscene and oddly fascinating. Automatically, Sakura stalks closer because someone clearly abducted this guy and brought him here and maybe there are more people like her, dumped in that cave system. Maybe he is the mysterious assailant's next victim. Either way, she is a ninja and signed up for this whole business of saving people so she pulls a kunai from her pouch and reaches for the rope.

At least that's the plan. In reality, Sakura doesn't even make it two feet into his personal space before getting distracted. More than anything else, it's the smell. The rope rubbed the man's wrists raw, wore down his skin and is now spotted with tiny flecks of blood. Her eyes zero in on the red liquid, a colour that is enhanced by the filter over her vision. It's so bright, it eclipses everything else. And it smells so... so... _good_.

Sakura tries to withdraw because she's seriously fucked up but her body won't let her. Instead she gets closer and her hands open up until she drops the kunai. The echo of his heartbeat gets louder and louder until the sound nearly deafens her, not that she notices. She's too preoccupied with pressing her nose against his bare wrist, taking a deep sniff and breathing heavily.

All rational thought leaves her mind as she almost lovingly caresses the poor soul's arms and drags the tips of her teeth – fangs – against virgin skin. It's like a drug, the smell mixing with the heartbeat and the flames of sheer desire this unholy combination fans within her stomach. Sakura is hungry, so impossibly hungry as if she's never had anything to eat her entire life and she doesn't know why, but-

Her eyes fall shut and the last thing she can remember before her mind truly shuts down, is the ecstasy of freshly spilled blood coating her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters are nice. Also, not having to worry over writing well. That's nice too.
> 
> I'm excited for Hidan to show up but it'll still take a bit. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	3. Actually, They Get Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there's a bit of angst but hey at least it doesn't last long am I right.

What follows after, is not particularly pleasant. The second Sakura realises what she's done, she doubles over and throws up. Red hot iron spills from her mouth and she retches and retches until her stomach is empty even f the taste still clings to her tongue. She paws at it, tries to get rid of even the last remnants of blood but her efforts are futile.

In horror, she scrambles backwards and draws her knees to her chest, terrified of what she'll see once she raises her eyes to look at the man. Yet no matter how much Sakura can obscure her vision, she cannot mute her ears. The beat of his heart has slowed down considerably, is sluggish and irregular. The man is dying. Because she drank his blood. Tried to suck him dry. _What the actual fuck_.

A harrowing thought enters Sakura mind as she tries very hard not to have a complete breakdown here and now. The person that attacked her bit her neck. She herself just sunk her teeth into this guy's wrist to drink his blood. Did he... infect her? Is this a sickness? It has to be. There's no other way. She's a medic. She can heal. Heal herself, most likely. A part of her wants to point out that she cannot heal broken lungs and heartbeats and that whatever illness she suffers from is not one she's likely to get rid of on her own, but Sakura doesn't listen to that part.

She's too distracted. Confused, disgusted, angry, terrified, above all hungry. She violently purged the blood from her system but now she wants it back. It's right there in front of here, a tiny sea of red, a shallow puddle of iron and copper. She feels like her stomach is eating itself and Sakura is sure she's going to lose her mind soon. She knows that she's supposed to get up and help that man except she cannot bring herself to do it. Can't bring herself to do anything other than hungrily stare at the crimson just a few feet away from her.

She has to eat. Otherwise she won't survive. There's nothing else here and kami knows how long it would take Sakura to find the exit and go outside. If she dies – for real this time – she will never find out what illness she suffers from. Will never find a cure. Never drink sake with shishou again, never marry Sasuke, never stick it to the elders. Taking a single deep breath, Sakura gets to her feet, approaches the man and reluctantly touches his neck with her lips.

She shakes, wavers, opens her mouth to expose her fangs and thinks of Hokage and country.

A life for a life. It's a balanced exchange and Sakura only has one minor panic attack as soon as she realises that there's no need to heal the man anymore. The least she can do is bury him so it is with shaky legs that she cuts the rope and attempts to catch the body with chakra enhanced strength. Keyword being 'attempts'. She can call upon her chakra easily enough but the second she tries to control it, it flares wildly instead and- is that _fire_?!

With a loud screech, Sakura drops the body instantly and jumps backwards until she lands half-crouched on the ground, hands outstretched in front of her body, fangs glinting and reflecting the light of the flames. Flames. Actual, real fire. Well. At least she doesn't have to bury the body anymore. She tries very hard not to think about that and concentrates on her chakra instead. She tries to harness it once more and yelps when now not only the corpse, but also the cross burn brightly.

Okay. So. To summarise. Sakura died. Sakura woke up. Sakura is now a monster that drinks blood or dies. Sakura can't use chakra without setting shit on fire. Great. No, really. Fucking. Fantastic. It's not like she spent years training to become a medic nin. It's not like her entire selling point is chakra control. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE.

On top of that, she's pretty sure that she's terrified of fire. Which is a recent development. Sakura wonders what would happen, were she to touch the flames when every fibre of her body screams at her not to do it. Fire, touch, bad. Sakura thinks of how the hell she's supposed to fight now and sorts at the mental image of her lighting up the forest, then turning on her heel and running in terror.

Not exactly the kind of reputation she wishes to build. Although she's going to need a new one very soon, unless she figures out a way to reverse those changes. For some reason, Sakura's rather sure that shishou won't know what to do with an apprentice that burns her patients alive in an effort to save them. It does seem a little counter productive. Then again, she's pretty sure the elders haven't had checkups in quite a while...

Sakura shakes her head and stops thinking about what-if's. First she has to figure out where she is. She just ate – yikes – and will most likely be fine for a while. Hopefully. She's not sure she can go through that again so soon. Or, you know, ever. Once was definitely enough.

She leaves the man behind. There's really nothing she can do for him and Sakura doesn't want to be around when her assailant comes back. Beating the living shit out of him was a good idea except, well, she can't exactly do lots of beating anymore. Not like this. She... could set him on fire though. She's really good at that now.

Be that as it may, Sakura gets moving. She's pretty close to the exit now, has to be, judging from the note of fresh grass and resin in the air. Kami, she hopes she's still in Tea. Most her supplies are gone, only the two small satchels that are attached to her body remain. There's some medic stuff in there, bandages, an allergy shot because pollen are little shits and the like. Also, some kunai and even three senbon. Sakura's not big on weapons.

Correction: Sakura wasn't big on weapons. She's really going to have to stock up because she's not much of a ninja if she can't crack mountains with her fist. She misses her strength already. How else is she going to punt Sai off the Hokage monument? Never, not even for a second, let that boy think he's safe. He gets cheeky. That can never happen. Until she finds a solution for this problem, she has to stay away from him and Ino both.

It's night. That's actually pretty good. The air is cool but Sakura doesn't freeze, mainly because she doesn't feel much to begin with. The low light levels are also pretty good for her eyes. Red filter aside, everything is suddenly so bright, she's confused for a moment. But no, it actually _is_ night time. She gets the faint impression that direct sunlight would fucking annihilate her eyes. She really needs a pair of sunglasses.

The opening of the cave is located on the side of a mountain which means Sakura is stuck. Using chakra to walk down the rocky surface is out of the question. Worth a try though. Nope. Fire. Alright. Maybe she can just very carefully slide down-

Sakura barely has enough time to shriek. Then she tumbles down that kamiforsaken mountain. Her thoughts are a constant stream of 'Shit, I'm going to die, Shit, I'm going to die, Shit, I'm going to die, Shit, I'm going to die-'.

Boy, does she hit the ground hard. With an audible thump. And leaves behind a small crater. Nice. Sakura groans quietly and doesn't want to move because surely her body is battered and bruised. Except. Huh. Well. It isn't. She blinks twice in confusion, then moves every limb once. Neat. She gets up and dusts off her clothes. Zero for elegance but a solid ten for execution. That unplanned manoeuvre _had_ gotten her off the mountain after all.

Which is nice. And doesn't resolve the issue of 'where the fuck am I.' With a shrug, Sakura picks a direction and starts running. Running, turns out, is fucking fantastic. She doesn't need to breathe like a loser anymore and doesn't get tired either. Naruto and his fucking fox can eat it. Everyone who ever joked about having to slow down for her is going to cry tears of despair.

Without having to regulate one's pace or stopping in order to take breaks, one can cross large distances quite easily. Sakura's a fan and soon enough tumbles upon a road. Taking a right because last time she went left, she got jumped by a bloodthirsty murder hobo, she continues her journey.

Everything goes well which immediately makes her nervous and alert because guess what. Last time everything went well, she ended up in this shitty situation. So Sakura decides to give in her paranoid urges and takes a dive into some nearby shrubbery.

At the very least she can still mask her chakra without going up in flames. Turns out, her instinct hadn't led her astray. Less than a minute later, there's a dude on the road. And she says dude, not man because no self-respecting adult runs around shirtless at fuck-you-o'clock in the middle of fucking nowhere. He stops and sniffs, then turns around, looking right at her. Fuck.

Realising that her cover is blown, Sakura jumps out of the bush and does the only thing she can.

“GODDAMNIT BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Sakura doesn't pause to listen, whirls around and sprints away, leaving behind a cursing dude who's, she's pleased to note, very much on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Hidan. Bye Hidan.


	4. Introducing: Murder Hobo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakura is such a fucking snob.

The problem, Sakura realises after having to flee from village #3, is that anything she can do, murder hobo can do better. He's faster (always catches up to her), stronger (he can't break her legs no matter how much he tries but unfortunately, she can't break his either), and has a better sense of smell (not even swimming across half a lake throws him off her trail).

And what's even worse, he wants to _talk_. Now talking, in the eyes of murder hobo, involves a whole lot of cursing and throwing insults at her. Which is, you know, okay. Sakura can't exactly judge him for that considering they're rather similar in that regard. The first time she calls him 'murder hobo' he fucking loses his shit and it's hilarious. It also distracts him just long enough for Sakura to dart close and attempt to burn him to ashes. Again.

It's not like she's scared of dying. Been there, done that, and suddenly it's not that scary anymore. In no small part due to the fact that he is quite unable to hurt her. It's funny, really, that they attack each other with the kind of force that would cause anyone else to burst into a mess of blood and gore, yet barely even dent each other. Sakura's just happy to still be one strong motherfucker, even though her chakra control has gone to shit.

“Bitch, if you stopped for one goddamn second I could tell you that I don't want to fight you-”. Bless his heart, he really tries. Unfortunately Sakura is not in the business of negotiating with nutjobs. Seriously, does that guy spend most of his nights running around, monster-ising and abducting virgin teenagers? Well, okay. She's not much of a virgin but he doesn't know that! She tries to set him on fire again but unfortunately, by now he's used to her signature technique.

“Fucking fire, seriously! I swear to Jashin, this fucking heathen is fucking dead next time I see him!” Now that catches Sakura's interest. A few meters away from him, she stops in the middle of the village square and curiously eyes the hobo. Dude really needs to buy a shirt although he doesn't exactly look bad. Nice abs. Solid shoulders. Too bad he's a damn freak.

“Look,” he begins but wisely refrains from coming closer. From what Sakura has seen so far, that man is quite literally unkillable. She tried to stab him, burn him, cave in his skull with a rock, force her bare fist through his chest, strangle him, _drown_ him, even push him off the edge of a cliff. She'd known that last one wouldn't work but it had been fun to watch nevertheless.

“I didn't turn you. You weren't even supposed to survive but I guess that pig fucker did one thing right. Shit. I'm not good at this. You didn't even get a ritual. Fucking tragic, is what it is-”. He interrupts himself and musters Sakura from top to bottom, visibly saner than before when he tried to throw her through a restaurant. She felt kind of bad about the property damage they caused, so she quickly moved on to the next village. Terrorising Tea country had not been part of her mission but well, some things just cannot be avoided. Still. If giving him the time of day now means he's going to fuck off later, she can put up with it.

“If I promise to explain all this shit with you, are you going to follow me so we can have a talk? Without setting me on fire,” he adds belatedly and Sakura grumbles in disgruntlement. She was absolutely going to set him on fire again. But an explanation doesn't sound bad especially if he, as he claims, didn't actually 'turn' her. From the sound of it they had a common enemy. Teaming up with one murder hobo to hunt down another isn't exactly ideal but desperate circumstances make for strange bedfellows. Figuratively. Sakura would never date a guy that couldn't even afford a shirt. Also, Sasuke.

“You lead, hobo.” Worth it, she thinks, as he begins to spit and curse at her once again all the while hissing like a pissy cat. Fucking hilarious. He leads her away from the village to a nice little clearing in the woods, not far from a small stream. He's cautious. Good. Sakura's not sure she's going to keep her promise, depending on what he has to say.

“Have you ever heard of Jashin?” Weird opener. Also, no. She's not sure if he looks indignant or just annoyed but starts explaining nontheless.

“Lord Jashin is the God of Suffering. He's an ancient deity yeah, not one of those new-wave fuckers.” Sakura doesn't know what a 'new-wave fucker' is but decides not to ask. He seems like the rant-y type.

“Anyway, I am his most devout follower so he blessed me with the Gift of Blood. Means I'm immortal, strong, fast, sexy as fuck- You know the drill.” She does not. Also, sexy as fuck? Someone's lowkey overconfident.

“Long story short, I started wandering the elemental nations, looking for others who were worthy of his blessing. I was the first so I'm the strongest which is why I'm the leader of our coven.” Translation: I wake up every day and fuck up other people's lives. Damnit, she wants to set him on fire again. Also, coven? What the fuck kind of word is that even. Overdramatic shit probably read too many horror stories.

“One of the new kids turned out to be a fucking heathen. Ran off, the little shit, and killed a bunch of civilians. Fucking brainless. I had to work overtime to cover this shit up. If anyone finds out about us, we're fucking toast.” That actually makes quite a bit of sense. If Sakura suddenly learned of an organisation that was... well, _immortal_ , she'd start looking into ways to get rid of them. Just in case they started getting uppity. Or worse, decided to unionise.

“I guess he was hungry and jumped you. Except you didn't die. By the time I found you, you were already halfway transformed and I couldn't end you anymore. Not a fire type, y'know. 's the only shit that can kill you.” Now that. That is good fucking news. He only has a second to realise that he made a capital m Mistake before he burns. Red first, then orange, yellow and if Sakura concentrates hard enough, even white. His shrieks are like music to her ears and she's about to smile in satisfaction and turn around to run home and try to find a cure, when he begins cursing again.

“FOR FUCKS SAKE! CAN'T YOU LET ME FINISH?!” Sakura's not above pouting upon noticing that he does not in fact, die. What a let-down. Running is of little use, she knows that by now, so she patiently waits as he jumps into the river to put himself out. He's a little toasty around the edges but really, that's the worst of it. And here Sakura had been enjoying her newfound aptitude for fire for a moment.

“As I was going to say,” he growls unhappily and smooths his hair back to stop it from falling into his face.

“Except for me. I'm a pureblood. You fuckers are just halfbloods. Real flammable and all. Though Jashin only knows what that heathen did to fuck you up so bad. No self-respecting trueblood is a fire type. Heresy is what it is.” Pureblood, halfblood, trueblood. Kind of pretentious, Sakura thinks, for a group that has to hide themselves from the general population but if that guy is the drama queen that thought of those names in the first place, she can't say she's surprised.

“So I can just burn him?” she asks, just to clarify because one cannot ever be too cautious about the details. There's already one weirdo she can't kill and Sakura's not keen to discover more exceptions to the rule. The dude scratches the back of his head, then shrugs.

“Theoretically. As your sire, you have to obey him. So if he tells you not to do it, you can't.” Sakura's upset about this for exactly one minute before she hears what he didn't say.

“I don't have to listen to you though. I'm one of your little monsters but I can do whatever the fuck I want. You can't make come with you. You can't make me do shit.” Is this glee, she's feeling? It has to be because she's grinning like a loon and already prepares to channel some delicious flames. High and mighty lord of monster hobos and she's the only one he can't boss around. Judging from the bearing of fangs and general unhappy bearing, he knows this too. And he ain't happy about it.

“Look, I just came to talk. For better or worse you received the blessing which means you're part of the coven now. You have no idea what you got yourself into and I'd really rather you didn't get all of us killed just because you're being a dumb bitch 'cos you got yourself noticed by a fucking civilian or some _shit_.” Yeah. How about no. It's what she tells him and, in a move absolutely nobody could have predicted, he loses his shit and starts yelling. The temper on that man is a thing of wonder. It's almost as bad as hers.

Well. Not exactly. It's definitely worse and for a single second, Sakura wonders if this is what it's like for Naruto and the others to deal with her. Meh. Probably not. At least _she_ wears _shirts_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Hidan.


	5. A Brief Guide On How To Vampire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan is a decent teacher and Sakura a shitty student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She keeps trying, guys.

“Can't I just... I don't know, drink from animals instead?” It's a valid question, Sakura thinks as she follows the murder hobo who's actually a cult leader through Tea country. She's going to go home after this, but first she's going to get revenge. Hidan – and she's heard that name before, somewhere, even if she can't quite remember the specifics – tracks his errant little bloodsucker with evident ease. Honestly, even Kakashi's nose can't keep up with that.

“Eh? What kind of shit idea is that? No respect. Fucking animals, seriously,” he mutters and wow. Rude. She's not exactly sure why, but part of her wants to ask him if he sparkles in the sun. She doesn't for the sole reason that even she can see how bloody stupid that would be. Speaking of the sun. Apparently direct sunlight is, without a doubt, going to kill her in less than ten minutes. Sakura refuses to consider the implications of that and decides to freak out later once she's done turning her would-be sire into a funeral pyre.

Hidan, of course, is exempt from that rule. Considering that finding a cure seems more and more unlikely, she's going to have to figure out how to become a cult leader of her own instead. Surely Jashin could bestow another one of his blessings upon her. Sakura thinks she'd make a great cult leader. Hanabi would be her first disciple. The little Hyuuga is a vicious beast.

“You'll have to drink once a day for the first few months or so. After that, once every three days. Once you reach the one hundred years mark, one meal a week keeps you alive. No idea why you'd wanna do that though. Jashin smiles upon those who sacrifice to him often.” Privately, Jashin can go suck a dick. Sakura doesn't owe Hidan's imaginary friend jack shit. Nobody can force her to be part of that shitty homicidal cult. She's a medic (okay, not anymore) who works at the hospital (probably not for much longer) and she's the apprentice of the Godaime fucking Hokage (until shishou inevitably figures out that she's a human leech). She has practically unlimited access to blood bags.

She might have to steal them though. Unfortunate, yet unavoidable. She's sure it's better than killing civilians. Probably.

“Can I turn off the colour filter?” Hidan looks at her as if she's grown a second head and for all Sakura knows about this trueblood business, she might as well have. She did not grow a second head. She checked.

“It's called 'Hunter Vision'. It's one of your powers. How long has it been active?” Hunter vision actually makes some sense which is a surprise. Hidan seems the kind of guy who prefers drama over practicality. Lack of shirt being exhibit A.

“Since I woke up. Fucking red everywhere,” Sakura murmurs to herself as she squints at the moon shining brightly above their heads. It's probably a nice clean white. She says probably, because to her it's pink.

“You did lie in that ditch for a while until I found you. Guess you were starved when you woke up so you turned it on automatically. Did you drink enough?” Sakura grimaces upon recalling sucking her victim's blood out of his wrist only to throw up moments later.

“Probably not,” she answers honestly. Killing people is a tragedy but this colour thing is really starting to piss her off. It was novel in the beginning. Gets old real quick.

“Suppose we gotta find you a meal. Can't have you going feral on my ass. Pain is beautiful and all but I can only get set on fire so many times before it stops being funny...,” Hidan grumbles quietly. Which, to Sakura, sounds as if he's speaking normally. Oh boy. She does not look forward to seeing Naruto again. That boy is going to absolutely destroy her hearing.

“What happens if I don't eat?” She's curious because she'd be lying if she claimed not having considered that possibility. There's death. Obviously. But Hidan says 'feral' like it's supposed to mean something.

“You lose your damn mind is what happens. Had that happen to a fledgling once. Spent fucking ages decapitating corpses to hide the bite marks...,” he says as if spending ages decapitating corpses is something he does on a normal Sunday morning. Actually, considering what Sakura learnt of Hidan so far, he probably does. That big-ass scythe strapped to his back seems to be up for the task.

“And why did my chakra nature change?” She feels like a student which is funny because Hidan doesn't feel like suitable teacher material. Which makes it even more surprising that, in his own special way, he does a decent enough job. She's almost sad that she's going to leave him behind once their joint venture is over. Almost.

“Well, you die and are reborn in Jashin's glory. See, your entire life up until your awakening doesn't mean shit. It's just you being a heathen, doing heathen things. Once you receive the blessing... you finally become who you were always meant to be, yeah?” So Sakura wasted seventeen years of her life being useless because apparently, according to Hidan, her true calling was that of an honest to kami pyromaniac. Something, somewhere, has clearly gone terribly wrong. And it all started with her running into Hidan's little runaway. Who's the true root of all her problems becomes clearer by the minute.

“Most of us have wind or lightning natures. Water is rare but happens sometimes.” He pauses and squints at her, making a face.

“Fire is evil. I give you a week before you torch yourself.” Thanks for the vote of confidence. She'll make sure to survive at _least_ two before having an accident just to spite him. Not that she plans on dying again any time soon. Sakura's slowly getting the hang of this spontaneous combustion business. It's pretty simple. Want a fire? Try to do literally anything else with your chakra. It's really not that deep.

“Okay. So. Stay away from sunlight and fire, eat once a day, use a henge or something for my eyes because apparently they're a freaky red... anything else?” Not terribly complicated, this monster business. Bite a few necks, become nocturnal, henge practise. She has no idea what to do once she's back in Konoha. Sakura's going to have to quit her job. That's for sure. Imagine a bloodsucking creature that goes crazy/horny at the smell or sight of blood in a hospital. Actually, that sounds like the beginning of a joke shishou would laugh at.

Maybe she can tell her over a bottle of sake or two. Come to think of it, if she ever has to have that conversation with Tsunade, it better be when she's drunk off her fucking tits. On the bright side, she can vent her anger by punting Sakura across the training grounds as often as she likes. Sakura's a monster now. Shishou ain't got shit on her. Not that she'd ever tell her that because when it comes down to it, she fears Tsunade more than Hidan and she doesn't care to find out what kind of damage the woman can dish out when she actually tries to murder someone. It's not being a coward. It's called survival instinct. Sakura's undead, not an idiot.

“Don't fuck until you can control your strength. Unless you're into corpses. Wouldn't be the first,” Hidan mentions off-handedly and Sakura's unsure how to feel about that. All it does is pretty much reinforce her belief that Jashin is a beacon for the fuck-up's and lunatics. Good thing she's neither. That newfound passion for pyromania doesn't count. It's part of the symptoms. She's _different_.

“You can do some low level hypnosis too but it takes practise. Altering recent memories, enthral someone for short periods... takes a natural aptitude to create permanent thralls.” He sniffs and Sakura gets the vague impression that he's looking down on her.

“Don't bet on it. You're a fucking fire type. Can't expect you to even spell subtlety correctly...” Oh, she's had it.

“I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU SUBTLETY!” she yells before crashing into his side, forcing them both off course.

“WHA- STOP IT WITH THE GODDAMN FLAMES, WOMAN!”

“BURN YOU FUCKER!”

“GODFUCKINGDAMNIT BITCH, GET AWAY FROM ME!”

“MAKE ME, HOBO!”

“FUCK YOU!”

Hidan pulls his scythe and Sakura lights her hands on fire because they're the only part of her body that doesn't burn.

It all sort of goes downhill after at. Literally. One of these days she _will_ figure out how to scale down a mountain without using her face as landing pad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said it in the tags. There's gonna be a lot of fire.


	6. Cults Have Kinky Table Manners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a weird turn of events, Sakura's a jock and Hidan the local nerdy goth kid.
> 
> Sakura also likes to play with her food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll, lads and lasses! Quantity over quality is my motto.

Squatting in a cave with a guy that has the energy of a nervous mass murderer is not how she pictured the last day of her mission. Sakura's going to run late, no doubt about it. Naruto is going to freak out. Sasuke is going to freak out but with more dignity. Shishou is going to yell a lot and probably throw a desk or two. Kakashi is likely to sneak out of the village and chase her down on his own.

She better have taken care of her problem by then because there's better ways to break the news to them than anyone seeing her burning a guy alive. There would be questions. Sakura hates questions. Better to just go about her business, then sneak into Konoha and pretend she ran into trouble on the way home, which- not even a lie. If Hidan is one thing, it's fucking trouble.

Like right now. That man cannot keep still. He's physically incapable of sitting down and blowing raspberries. He stalks in circles, then fights with a rock formation near the exit of the cave until he finally sticks his feet to the ceiling to hang upside down like a damn bat. If that's the kind of thing his cult does on a daily basis, Sakura is officially _too cool_ to join up. Not that it ever was an option.

“This is why I can't be fucked to deal with fledglings. Bitch, don't you have a hoodie or something?” Sakura tries to be the grown-up of their group for about three seconds before she decides it isn't worth it.

“Sure. It's right there, in my satchel. Don't worry about physics. I'm a trueblood, I am _beyond_ such petty mortal concerns.” Hidan's not the smartest guy around, so it takes him five seconds to realise that she's mocking him. She waits patiently until he gets it, one brow raised and thoroughly unimpressed by the raging tirade that follows. It's all Jashin here, Jashin there, _repent for your sins godless heathen_... Hidan's not a very creative guy. He's lucky he's pretty, otherwise nobody would ever join that lame-ass cult of his.

Sakura can't wait for the sun to go down. Hidan leaves her at some point which on one hand is great because finally he can go on someone else's nerves. The downside shows itself an hour later when he returns with a gagged woman in tow. It's not the gag that puts her off. It's the dead catatonic look in her eyes. They're glazed over and she's entirely unresponsive.

“I can release her if you like. Always tastes better when they struggle.” Hidan isn't helping. He has a big smile on his face and is as giddy as a kid in a fucking balloon shop. Kami help her, the split personality of that guy gives her whiplash. He literally looks like a dog that brought its owner a bone. Sakura wishes she was asshole enough to stomp all over him and his shitty enthusiasm. With his eyes wide and dimpled grin he looks far too innocent for the situation.

“... I'm good, thanks,” is all she says, swallowing all the nasty words she wants to say. Fuck her for not wanting to shit on this guy's parade. He's so happy it's nauseating. He's also very, _very_ dense so instead of backing off he comes closer and pushes the woman in front of Sakura. With great care, Hidan pushes the well-worn sleeping yukata off her shoulders and tilts her head to the side. It's entirely inappropriate yet all Sakura can focus on is the woman's bare chest.

“If you want to have a go, you should drink first. If you kill her before that she's not gonna taste as good.” Apparently eating is a science in itself. Choosing to ignore his last comment, Sakura swallows heavily as the red of her vision intensifies and the woman's heartbeat echoes in her own ears. She smells delicious and oh- bad Sakura. Stop. No thinking about people as food.

It's a lost cause, really. Before she can realise what's happening, let alone stop herself, Sakura already sucks on the woman's tender skin, tongue rubbing over her neck to feel for her pulse. It's obscene, there's no other word for it. The whole thing is a rush. Sakura feels warm, hot even, as she rubs herself against the helpless female, feels the curve of her body with her own as her fingers reverently glide along the silky expanse of her smooth shoulders.

She's a civilian, maybe the daughter of a merchant. There's no muscle, no blemishes, a total lack of scars. She's soft like a ripe fruit and Sakura is dying to take a bite. A quiet moan escapes her as she licks her skin, drags the tips of her fangs over her artery, presses her nose into the crook of her neck to smell the fear and budding arousal. Kami, this is fucking fantastic. Sakura can't think as she nuzzles her meal, plays with her food, straddles the unresponsive woman's lap until she's only two steps away from using her as an R-rated scratching post.

Eventually, the hunger wins. Sakura bites into her skin which gives in like warm butter and Sakura groans as she laps the hot crimson iron. There's no disgust this time even if Sakura is only marginally more aware of her own actions. She's just there enough to be very conscious of what she's doing. Fresh human blood coats her lips and runs down her throat to pool in her stomach and all Sakura feels is warm and happy.

She's not a starving dog this time. She savours her meal, lets the fluid rest on her tongue to experience the full range of the flavour, delights at how much better this one tastes in comparison to the male sacrifice yesterday. Sakura drinks and drinks until her entire being is filled with joy and euphoria, allows herself to ride the last waves of ecstasy as the woman's face gets paler and paler, the beat of her heart slows until it only barely stutters and her glazed eyes become dull and empty.

A whole minute later, Sakura realises that she's basically dry humping a corpse. She doesn't think she's ever moved that quickly before but at least this time the blood stays down. She can't force it back up again. It wants to stay right where it is.

“Fuck, that was a good first time. No meal's better than your first.” Sakura is not surprised to see that Hidan is lounging on the floor like a cat, bliss on his face and back arched, a very visible tent in his pants. Fucking gross. If Sakura still had blood running through her veins, she would blush. Instead, she pretends very hard that she's not wet between the legs. Hidan looks at her, tilts his head, sniffs the air and grins widely.

“Wanna celebrate?” he asks and probably thinks he's being suave. Shame and horror burn brightly within her, so Sakura turns away from the corpse and the man, walks closer to the exit of their hole in the wall and sits down. There's no way back now. The first time had been an accident. The second kill purely intentional. Sakura had been just conscious enough to pull away if she wanted to. She chose not to. She just committed murder in cold blood, then got off on it. If there's some sort of hell, she just secured herself a spot.

“Don't be such a fucking pussy. It's you or them, yeah? If they knew what you were they'd burn you on a stake if they could.” Hidan has a point and Sakura hates him for it. Still. It's not an excuse. She's a ninja and she vowed to protect the innocent. This is not a good time to remember that ANBU regularly accept contracts to kill civilian bystanders. It's _not_ an excuse.

“Whatever. See if you can turn off your hunter vision.” She does as he says only because it gives her something else to think about. With all her might, Sakura concentrates on feeling sated and not hungry at all. She doesn't want to eat, there's no need to hunt. Shut down the colour filter, thankyouverymuch. She's not being very elegant about it and Sakura feels like she's approaching a rather delicate mechanism with the blunt end of a hammer but hey, it works. No use arguing against results. Also, wow. Colour. Green. Blue. She's already gotten so used to the red that normal colours look fucking weird. Huh. Her own eyes really are red, Sakura points out to herself as she stares at her reflection in the small pocket mirror she always carries around with her.

They're rather pretty actually. Different from the Sharingan which is crimson, very similar to fresh blood. Her eyes are darker. Maybe a shade or two lighter than burgundy with a soft undertone of orange that's only enhanced by the subtle glow emanating from her iris.

“They're kinda nice, seriously. Red's pretty rare. Most halfbloods have orange eyes.” He's... actually kind of sweet and Sakura almost smiles before she remembers who she is, who he is and that there's a corpse a few mere feet behind her. She turns around to look at Hidan and tilts her head as she analyses his own, strikingly violet eyes. His are pretty too, not that she'd ever tell him.

“Are your eyes pink? Shit, that's almost as girly as my hair.” It does the trick and sends Hidan into another outraged rant. His screaming and flailing is a good distraction so Sakura allows herself to relax a little, leans against the stony wall and closes her eyes. There's no sleep for their kind but long ago shishou taught her how to meditate.

Well-fed, slightly less troubled and accompanied by the dulcet tones of Hidan having a hissy fit, she slips into a trance that's almost as nice as real sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love bullshitting my way through chapter after chapter.


	7. Patricide Is A-Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura kind of kills her dad and scars Kakashi for life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I despair over being unable to let go of silly little ideas like continuity and semi-realistic character progression. Like, I don't want that angsty shit in here either but THERE IT IS ANYWAY.

Hidan wakes her from trance with a kick in the face. Sakura retaliates by burning half of his left pant leg to ashes. He looks even more like a hobo now and she's not above telling him. If this is what daily co-existence with Hidan is like, she cannot in good conscience blame that one guy for running away. Does not excuse what he did to her though. He's going to die slowly and painfully. Perhaps she and fire were always meant to be after all.

The sun has just set and there's still life in the woods around them. Some birds chirp far away, foxes and rabbits disappear in the underbrush and without exception, all of them immediately fall silent the second Hidan and her step into their range of awareness. Part of Sakura wonders how high they rank on the universal predator list. Being able to dominate bears into submission sounds pretty fucking neat.

They travel for a while and eventually the trees become taller, the forest thicker and the undergrowth positively murderous. Admittedly it takes Sakura a moment or two to make the connection, but when she does she grabs Hidan by his belt and pulls him backwards to a standstill. He's not happy about it. Unfortunately for her eardrums, he's rather vocal about it too.

“I need to get out of Fire. If anyone sees me here then it's game over for your group of weirdos.” She thinks that gets the point across quite nicely. Sakura still needs a hoodie – or anything to cover up her hair, face, eyes and teeth specifically – and if she runs into an ANBU patrol here the jig is up.

“Group of- fucking disrespectful bitch, I'll show you weirdos-” Oh for fucks sake. That guy is the worst fucking headache she's ever had in her entire life. Or unlife? Surely there's an appropriate term for that shitty state of in-between.  
“I'm from Konoha, okay? If anyone sees me right now they're not just going to ignore it because I went fucking missing.” That's just about simple enough for him to understand.

“Don't tell me people are actually looking for you? Oh fucking hell ain't that just fantastic...”

Sakura, loathe as she is to admit it, can see where he is coming from. Here Hidan is, Lord of All Those Dead And Gone, cult leader extraordinaire, pureblood-and-not-ashamed-to-admit-it with a newborn halfblood that tries her best to murder him every five minutes and does not actually have to listen to him, trying to chase one of his rebellious kids. Boy, does she want to tell him that she's kind of a big deal back in her village and that there's no way they're just going to give up on her.

“By the way, I'm kind of a big deal back in my village and there's no way they're just going to give up on me.” Sometimes life just loves you and watching Hidan's soul leave his body moments before he kicks a tree in two is glorious.

Exactly four hours later, they find the fucker. Part of the problem is Hidan's sense of orientation. It's funny how a guy with a super nose can get himself lost in the same clearing three damn times in a row. It sounds improbable. He manages. Sakura is no help because she prefers to laugh at him instead. The more time she spends with him the more she can't help but consider him a slightly oxygen-deprived puppy. Oddly cute, hapless in the most unexpected ways and absolutely fucking batshit crazy.

“Oh no.” It's a squeak, sudden and unexpected and Sakura's head shoots to the left only to spot the hem of a cloak disappearing between two trees.

“COME BACK, YOU GODLESS SON OF A BITCH!” Hidan does not believe in subtlety. And he accuses _her_ of being too showy. Pot and kettle and shit. With a sigh, she races after the scythe wielding madman and after a bit of coaxing, some violent cursing and two charred trees, manages to get her hunter vision to activate. The red's still inconvenient as hell but she can see clearer now. Seeing in the dark is easy enough without it but the red highlights the small details and changes in terrain much better.

Not that she really needs to see. Not when Hidan's senseless screeching and the terrified wails of Sakura's sire are all the guidance she needs. Somehow, from a possibly ancient creature she expected more dignity. Hidan, busy putting the fear of his god in his lost lamb, doesn't notice Sakura leaving his side. Neither does the aforementioned lamb.

At least until she's suddenly in front of him, pulls back her fist, then punches him so hard he skids backwards through half the forest until he leaves a man-shaped dent in some rocks.

“Good job, bitch!” Hidan yells happily and skip-jumps to the soon-to-be-eradicated (but for real this time) halfblood. Sakura rolls her eyes and follows, unable to wrap her mind around how murder can make a person so happy. She's glad at least _she_ kept her sanity post transformation. Unless Hidan's always been this way. Definitely possible. Actually, very likely.

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING EH?!” And here we go with the yelling again.

“You know, I think there's one or two ANBU patrols you haven't alerted to our location. Wanna yell a bit louder and make sure they come running as well?” The poor man, boy actually, looks at her as if he hopes she'll help him escape.

“Fuck off, loser. You bit me for fucks sake. I'm not going to help you for shit.” Hidan beams at her and uh. Creepy. Please stop.

“It was an accident, I swear! I didn't mean to do it and I really didn't think you'd actually make it-” He can't talk anymore after that because Sakura shoves her fist inside his mouth and sets it on fire. An unholy screech pierces the air as the boy's skin burns like paper while smelling faintly of rotten flesh and, for some weird reason, fish.

“WHAT THE HELL BITCH! There's a fucking ritual for this shit! Prayers, recitals, sacrificial rites!” Yeah seriously, that dude needs to cool it with the mood swings.

“Fuck your rituals. I'm out.” Sakura wishes it was as easy as that. It is, in fact, not quite as easy as that. Hidan grabs her arm and pulls her back, uncomfortable close to the smouldering remains of her sire. Hidan wasn't kidding about that by the way. Like holy fuck, extremely flammable indeed. There's no bone left, no skin, no innards. Like, not even a piece of brain or some lung or something. That dude went up like a pile of leaves.

“Out? Fuck out. We're family, bitch. You're coming home with me.” Oh wow. Big yikes. Family. With that guy and his band of psychos. No fucking thanks, talk to you never. She voices her thoughts before yanking back her free arm and socking him right in the eye. Sakura kind of hopes it's a weak spot or something because duh, soft jelly.

Sakura is disappointed. Which seems to be something of a trend whenever Hidan is concerned. They're back to running and chasing after that but this time Sakura has the advantage of A) being in her home turf and B) having done her part in their shared revenge quest. She's unattached now and doesn't need the murder hobo anymore.

All she has to do is run back to the village, steal some clothes from Kiba's endless wardrobe of hoodies, nick a pair of Shino's sunglasses and rob Kakashi's storage of masked vests and she's good to go. Well. Okay, maybe it's not quite that easy. But one problem at a time. Hidan being the current number one issue.

Sakura figures she can get rid of him if she gets close enough to the village walls so she takes one look at the sky, picks a direction and sprints.

Hidan himself is oddly quiet. He's still here though. She's 100% certain of that. Boy is not as subtle as he thinks he is and her much improved nose and ears could probably pick him out of a crowd nine out of ten times.

Pink eyes. Seriously.

Things go well. Until they don't.

Sakura's convinced she's only minutes away from the village border when for some godawful reason, Hidan is suddenly in front of her. What follows is familiar. Sakura succeeds in burning away the rest of his clothing and hey, he definitely doesn't disappoint. Not that she's looking.

In turn, Hidan thoroughly wrecks her shirt and half her pants until she stands in front of him in binder and half a pair of trousers, bright yellow flames still in her hands.

It is in that exact moment, that the leaves to their left rustle and Sakura hears four rapidly approaching heartbeats.

“Fucking hell bitch, we have to run. Now!” Hidan hisses quietly – and wow, he can do quiet if he wants – but she only shakes her head and gives him a finger.

“I ain't going anywhere with you, freak.” That's kinda mean Sakura has to admit but all's fair in love and war.

“Stop being so goddamn stubborn and do what I tell you!” he insists, louder this time and Sakura can't help but gloat over the fact that she does not actually have to listen to him.

The entire situation is rather unfortunate, she thinks as she suddenly finds herself staring at the various degrees of shock and surprise that colour the faces of Kakashi and the three dogs leading him. Sakura blinks and only then realises that she's currently half naked, standing in a clearing, wrestling with a guy who's butt naked and whose junk swings freely between his legs without a care in the world.

“Well, shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip Kakashi's innocence.


	8. SNAFU The Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan is a moron and Kakashi thinks Sakura's having an affair so really, things could be going better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if anyone who reads this also follows Into the Depths (which is my main project) but just in case they wondered why I update this crack fic like a loon lately instead of working on my longfic, ItD is much much harder to write.  
> Like, seriously. For every 500 words I get done on that one, I can write two chapters of We Damned Few. Mostly because it's brainless and stupid. Also, ItD is pretty heavy stuff and I just need a break lol. The next chapter should be done during the weekend though, Monday at the very latest.

This is the very situation she wanted to avoid. Sakura exhales noisily, suddenly very glad that she hasn't unlearned the muscle movement yet. Kakashi is a bloodhound and little things like her chest not rising and falling anymore or, let's say, red eyes are signs he's not going to miss. Oh. That reminds her. Sakura's just about to weave a simple henge to change the colour of her eyes between one blink and the next, when she feels Hidan's finger press into the skin of her forearm ever so slightly.

She's not going to thank him but apparently he takes this whole 'keeping one's hobo status a secret' thing very seriously. It's almost like he cares and honestly, it's not a bad look on him. A genjutsu at the very least is going to be much more reliable than the henge and Sakura should be good until she arrives in Konoha and can replace it with her own.

“Hey, Kaka-sensei.” Her greeting is so absurdly casual considering the situation they are in but part of Sakura cannot find it within herself to care. She wiggles her hand in a small wave. It's a bit crooked due to Hidan still having his hand wrapped around her wrist but it does the job.

“Your sensei is that fucking Sharingan guy?” Hidan hisses into her ear and oh, they apparently know each other if the positively murderous glower Kakashi gives him is anything to go by. Might have to do with their various states of undress though. Sakura's not sure.

“Former sensei, actually. Good guy though he never taught me all that much. I'm shishou's student now.” Because if Hidan heard of Kakashi, he heard of Tsunade and oh. Ha. Hahaha. She wants to see the look of his face when she tells him that she's the apprentice of the Godaime fucking Hogake. That's Tsunade's official title anyway. Says so on her ninja registration form. She was drunk when she filled it in.

“Mou, Sakura-chan that's so mean. You can't just badmouth me in front of your, ah, friend. Would you introduce us? Just for future reference.” 'So I can put his name onto his headstone', goes unsaid but Sakura knows him well enough by now to recognise that particular tone of impending murder. Well, good luck Kakashi. She tried.

“I'm her uncle. Really distant relation. I just asked her to come visit her family again, actually. Sure you won't mind.” And then Hidan goes and honest to god possessively _tugs at her arm_. If she could, Sakura would rip the limb right off. She's not about to get involved in an alpha male pissing contest. Especially because she's pretty sure that with her newfound strength and inherent pyromania, she'd fuck them up both equally.

“And do Sakura-chan's uncles often chase her around naked?” Oh, they skipped murder and went straight to abso-fucking-lute annihilation. Sakura has to admit that Hidan is no improv genius. Then again she can't exactly contradict him without looking incredibly suspicious. More than she already does, anyway.

“We ran into a bit of trouble. There was some guy chasing us? Uncle is a ninja, never made chuunin the poor soul and got kind of beat up.” 'Revenge is sweet, motherfucker', she mouths in the darkness, confident that Kakashi cannot see her do it. His Sharingan is still covered and Hidan's night vision is infinitely better.

“Yeah. That,” Hidan positively growls and glowers at Sakura who, in her head, can hear all the insult he wants to throw at her.

“I took care of it though,” Sakura adds helpfully and more than just a little bit proud of herself. Set that dude on fire real nice. She has a real talent for the stuff.

“I see.” Kakashi does not see. He is also very unconvinced. Something needs to be done right now or else Sakura can say goodbye to her carefully laid, if still slightly vague, plans.

“Anyway I should probably get going before shishou gets worried. Did she send you? She shouldn't have. I'll just give uncle some money and uh, he can get himself some clothes from a nearby village before he returns home.” It's a good idea because it gets rid of both males in one go. Sakura needs some time to sort out her priorities and address the more crucial issues regarding her new state of self before she can convincingly march through the gates of Konoha without setting off anyone's warning bells.

“Actually, I was on my own mission. Just about to head home when I came upon a village that was little more than rubble and dust. A terrified civilian told me about two indestructible maniacs that laid waste to their town. I followed their trail and it led me to you.”

Well. Shit. Hidan and Sakura exchange a single glance and wow, when did she go from trying to get rid of that flea to actively conspiring with him against her own team leader? This requires some fixing, and fast! Unfortunately, Hidan exists.

“Yeah that's the heath- fucker that was after us. Bi- Sakura-chan here kicked his fucking shit in, seriously.” Oh for fuck's sake.

“Aaah. You know, Sakura-chan, if you have an affair I think you should end it before you get married.” Silence. Sakura wants to say something but lacks the words. Hidan just jerks away from her as if he got burned but not for the reason she initially suspects.

“Marriage? You can't get married! You're already promised to Jash-” Sakura punches him in the face. It shuts him up but Kakashi is not an idiot and doesn't miss the fact that Hidan is not currently flying through the air or writhing on the floor in agony. Okay, so maybe she didn't really hit him properly which is easier to excuse than her going apeshit on a man she claimed was her relative.

“We're not having an affair. Definitely not. That's fucking gross, Kakashi.” He raises an eyebrow at her because whoops, she swore. Sakura sometimes forgets that she only does it when Tsunade is around because then she can blame it on being drunk.

“Eh? What the hell, bitch! Are you saying I'm fucking hideous or what?!”

Seriously. Fucking Hidan.

Kakashi can safely say that he has never laid eyes on a more bizarre scene before. Not once during his entire career as ninja. Yes, there were a few incidents with Gai, some eggs and an angry flock of hens but most of that was part of a premeditated attack on his general reputation and sanity.

This... is not planned. None of this is. It's pure chaos and either something truly drastic happened to Sakura on her mission or the wedding madness finally got to her. In either case, he should probably warn Sasuke as soon as they're back in the village. That boy needs to calm down his fiance or, if the situation calls for it, track down her foul-mouthed lover.

Kakashi still hopes that all this is nothing but a giant misunderstanding or that someone is playing a joke on him. This is not what he expected when he heard of Sakura-chan failing to check in with an outpost two days ago and having gone missing. This entire situation stinks to the high heavens but on the bright side, it confuses Kakashi to the point where he doesn't notice that Sakura hasn't blinked once the entire time.

“Come on, ditch this loser. We got places to be.” Kakashi is torn between being put out upon being called an actual loser – he's an infamous ninja with his own bingo book entry and S-Rank classification, thank you – or the man's continued insistence Sakura accompany him to wherever he wants to go.

“I fucking told you I'm not coming with you, are you like dense or just really fucking stupid?” And wow, the amount of filth that spills from his cute kouhai's lips. Kakashi briefly remembers all the times the pink-haired girl cussed and how each and every time she blamed it on Tsunade, her sake, and being drunk. That's when he realises that she played them all this time and really, he'd be impressed if he wasn't so scandalised.

“Bitch, I ain't joking. You can't go back to those heathen fuckers!” It's like they forgot that he exists, Kakashi thinks and this could be his best chance. If they're distracted and don't pay attention to him he can just shunshin close, grab his former student, then run like hell. It's clear the stranger is no mere genin and it's too dark to properly see his face but Kakashi's confident that he could take him. How hard can it be?

As it turns out, he miscalculated. Horribly. He waits until the two descend into an incomprehensible shouting match, then makes his move.

The last thought Kakashi has before Sakura knocks him the fuck out is that he can't recall her ever having been this fast. Plus, wow. Her skin is fucking icy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just passed the 25k mark for my 50k NaNoWriMo goal. Whoop!


	9. This Is All Rather Unfortunate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura makes a deal with the devil and returns home to get yelled at some more.

Shit. Fuck. Oh holy guacamole. Hell, she didn't mean to do that but damn her instincts are no joke. And that reaction time. Amazing. Except now she has an unconscious jounin lying at her feet and Hidan looks at him like he's a snack. Which. No. Bad Hidan.

“Nice one, bitch! Now come, let's go.” Sakura wonders if there's any way to explain to him that no she won't come with him. Not now. Not ever. It's like Hidan only hears what Hidan wants to hear which. Hm. He's probably much happier like that. Sakura lowkey wishes she had the same freedom. Eloping was an option she brought up with Sasuke more than once but now that that boy is back, he's disgustingly loyal so Sakura has to stay. Nevermind the fact that Tsunade already offered to send them both on an extended mission around the Elemental Nations.

Every single one of the sannin's students follows in their teacher's footprints. Naruto is a rasengan wielding, toad summoning perv. Sasuke is a gloomy snakey bastard. There's no logical reason Sakura shouldn't be allowed to leave the village and get shitfaced for a few years. But not with Hidan.

“I'm not going to leave my old teacher unconscious in the middle of fucking nowhere. I told you a thousand times that I'm not joining up with your weirdos. You can't stop me either.” Sakura thinks she makes a good argument, speaks nice and slow so it gets through Hidan's thick head. He's quiet for a moment, then grins meanly like he just got an idea Sakura's not going to like.

Not even a second later he has Kakashi lifted by his collar, pointed fangs just an inch away from his neck. Okay. He's officially taken it too far.

“Oh no you fucking don't,” Sakura hisses and if she had fur it'd be spiking right now. The dumbass drags his teeth along the side of Kakashi's throat, then licks the skin to make a point. Fuck. There's nothing she can do. Hidan is faster and, insane dickface that he is, absolutely willing to murder an elite jounin from the strongest ninja village just for shits and giggles. There's only one thing she can do and she hates it. Kakashi better make this up to her.

“Alright. Compromise. I leave now, spend some time in the village and shit and then I'll come visit you, yeah? I can commune. Or something.” The words physically pain her because Sakura does. not. want. to commune anywhere, least of all the hole in the ground Hidan probably chose as hideaway for his fuckup coven. If his initial appearance is anything to go by, they can't even afford shirts. Huge dealbreaker.

Hidan seems to think about her decision for a moment and while Sakura half expects him to try and go for the arm after she offered him a finger, he ends up surprising her. With a single shrug, the dude unceremoniously drops Kakashi to the floor with an audible crunch. Sakura prays that she can drag him back to Konoha before he can ask her to heal his nose because boy. That's not going to end well for him.

“I'll come find you, bitch. That's a promise, seriously.” No fucking way it's been this easy this entire time. How is it that Hidan can switch between being needlessly complicated and so infuriatingly simple from one second to the next? All the time? How the fuck is this coven of his run if he constantly shows the consistency of a damn madman? Well. Sakura's going to find out, apparently. Shit. And here she was so close to dodging a bullet until Kakashi just had to play hero and get himself nearly snacked on by the Lord Hobo himself.

“You gotta hurry. Sun's coming up in a few hours.” He helpfully points at the sky but truthfully, Sakura's still quietly despairing over having opened the metaphorical door for Hidan. He's the type to jam a foot in the opening, then smash it open whenever he damn well pleases. Dude's absolutely going to come to Konoha and fuck her shit up in the worst moment imaginable.

“Right.” Deciding to take Hidan's momentary agreeableness at face value, Sakura picks Kakashi off the ground and slings him over her shoulder. Huh. Man's a lightweight. The medic in her wants to nag at him to take better care of himself but those are the kinds of impulses she needs to get under control ASAP. Can't offer anyone an examination if she's just going to set them on fire.

“See ya, bitch!” And with that and a cheery wave, Hidan is gone. He didn't even pick up the remnants of his pants. He probably could've covered himself to an at least passable level, but who needs clothes right? Sakura shakes her head. The day she left to go on this mission was a day she should've brained herself by accident before ever arriving in tea. Just to end her life before it could turn into a tragedy.

With a sigh and a quick look at the sky, Sakura gets going. The dogs would've been helpful, had they not disappeared the second Kakashi's face met her closed fist. Curiously, while running through the forest, Sakura peeks below his mask only to wince at the image. He could be handsome if half his facial bones weren't broken. Jaw's cracked too. Shit. Shishou's going to ask questions and while Sakura can place the majority of the blame on Hidan, she has no answer for the inevitable question that is 'why didn't you heal him?'.

Well. That's a problem for future Sakura. Present time Sakura still holds onto the hope that the impact messed with Kakashi's memory. It would certainly make a lot of stuff much easier.

In what amounts to basically no time at all, Sakura finds herself in the immediate outskirts of Konoha. She avoided every single patrol so far, eternally grateful for the sheer overpowered nature of her hunter vision but now she's somewhat stuck.

If she's right, she's still two hours away from dawn. Which is great because that's just enough time to dump Kakashi in the hospital and deliver a brief, heavily censored, report in shishou's office. The actual complication however, takes the form of Sakura being hungry. Loathe as she is to listen to anything Hidan ever told her, he _is_ the foremost expert on murder hobos. If he tells her to eat once a day to prevent losing her damn mind, then she should probably listen to him.

Her best bet for swiping a blood bag from the frozen stores is right after checking Kakashi in. But she also has to get new clothes. And she can't show up in shishou's ANBU guarded office smelling like a blood bank. Which means she needs a shower. Suddenly there's a whole lot of things to do and definitely not enough time to do them in.

Blinking once and forcefully turning off her hunter vision, Sakura applies a quick henge to disguise her eyes and fangs - Hidan's show when he speaks so it's probably best to err on the side of caution – before stepping out from behind a tree and approaching the gates.

It's Izumo and Kotetsu which is unusual but Sakura remembers the both of them losing a bet with Anko. The resulting chaos earned them night shifts for weeks. She's kind of happy with that to be honest because they're on good terms and they're likely to buy whatever bullshit story she serves them. Shishou taught her that it's best to always stick close to the truth, so Sakura smiled and waves, honestly touched by the concern and sheer joy in their faces.

“Sakura-chan! You're back!” Then:  
“What happened to Kakashi?” She is what happened to Kakashi.

“He, uh, tried to rescue me from a friend. He kind of got a few things wrong and ah, I might have accidentally hit him. Reflexes, you know.” The twins in all but looks wince. Everyone in this village knows what happens when Sakura hits someone out of reflex and that hasn't changed with her transformation. As a matter of fact, it got a lot worse. That's a tidbit of information they haven't learned yet but probably will next time Naruto makes another dumb joke about her sex life with Sasuke.

“I'll just get him to the hospital and report to shishou.” They let her go and Sakura loves them because they're just uncomplicated like that. It's refreshing after dealing with Hidan. Who's currently busy terrorising the Elemental Nations in his nude dash across the landscape. God, when did she fall in with characters like this. Burning to a crisp had been too mild a punishment for her sire.

There are no more interruptions and honestly, the worst part of being back in the village so far, is having to walk in what feels like slow motion. No joke, shunshins ain't got shit on her undead speed and stamina. And people would certainly talk if Sakura suddenly outruns ANBU by so much it's actually pathetic.

Sakura, who remembers how brightly lit the hospital is, simply dumps Kakashi in front of the doors, then knocks against the glass pane to alert the night shift nurse to his presence.

“Gotta dash,” she calls out as soon as the woman comes running and then reorganises her priorities. Food can probably wait for another twelve hours. Tsunade cannot.

Getting into Kiba's and Shino's compounds is laughably easy. Sakura cringes upon seeing her reflection in the mirror because really, she looks like a walking mashup of Team 8 and not in a good way.

The light in shishou's office is still burning so Sakura takes three steps at a time before knocking on her door. She manages to fully open the door before the first object comes flying.

“WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, HUH?!” Sakura nearly passes out from the pain in her ears, dodges the Sandaime's old crystal ball her shishou hurls at her and wonders if she's somehow internally drawn to people with naturally loud voices and poor impulse control.

She looks at her fuming shishou and wonders what the woman would be like once turned, then immediately discards the idea because it scares her shitless.

The world sighs in relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol Tsunade as vampire. Sakura's not brave enough to go there.


	10. No Rest For The Wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does everybody have to yell? Sakura will never find out.

“You look like shit.” Thanks. It's not like Sakura isn't aware of that but like, really? Does she have to point it out? Ugh. Who is she kidding, of course shishou does. The blonde in questions takes a large sip of sake, then heavily scrutinises Sakura who's still standing in the doorway, ready to dodge another projectile.

“Did you steal those clothes from the lost and found?” Not actually that far off. Sakura's just glad Kiba isn't here to hear that. There's only so much abuse her super freaky ears can take.

“Ah, kinda. I'm sorry for running late and all but ah, sort of ran into an old acquaintance and then we were chased by some weird axe murderer guy living in the woods and yeah, it was crazy.” Her bullshit stinks to the high heavens and Tsunade is no idiot. But like, really what is Sakura supposed to say? Who knows what the hell Kakashi is going to remember the moment he wakes up and she's not looking into contradicting herself too much. She'd rather get fucked up by her shishou now than get called out for lying later.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, kid.” She's not yelling which is always a plus. Sakura takes a closer look and curious sniff. Yeah. Shishou is fucked up. Capital F. Another bottle and the woman is going to pass out, inhuman liver or not. Which is great. It means she's less likely to recall Sakura being shifty in the morning. On the other hand it means she's going to expect a more coherent report then. There's just no winning with that woman.

“More than you know,” she mumbles and ignores shishou's questioning grunt. No need to elaborate on that, nothing to see here.

“Kakashi kinda jumped in front of my fist. It's not my fault I swear. He's in the hospital right now.” Tsunade doesn't care because why would she. Sakura is willing to bet Kakashi was bullshitting about being on a mission himself and snuck out without saying a word to anyone. Shishou would consider the hospital stay some kind of divine retribution. Depending on whether Jashin is an actual deity, she'd be right too.

“Don't get lost in some fucking woods again, you hear me. No matter how much the elders annoy you. If you wanna run off, at least lemme know first.” That right there, is why shishou is Sakura's favourite person. Just on the off-chance the older woman were to ever propose, she'd unapologetically drop Sasuke in a heartbeat. As much as she loves the boy, he just can't compete.

“Hai, shishou,” Sakura answers demurely and automatically dodges the empty sake bottle that comes sailing towards her head. Right. Shishou hates it when Sakura apologises except when she doesn't. Sometimes she really wishes there was some sort of consistency in her life. Or in the people she knows.

“Get the fuck out. And don't think you're off the hook! Extra graveyard shifts for you, starting tomorrow!” Ah. Shit. Well. It could be worse. Graveyard shifts are nice because she doesn't have to dress like a hobo. On the other hand, hospital work. Lots of living people. Blood. Not good. Not good at all.

“Gotcha.” Sakura doesn't argue because Tsunade can go from docile to moments away from murder in less than a second. She's much like Hidan in that regard and wow. That comparison is not flattering. Mentally apologising to shishou, Sakura leaves the Hokage tower and makes her first stop.

Kakashi's apartment is a sad piece of shit, empty grey walls, two rooms and a tiny kitchen crammed into the corner of the living room. Years ago her team tried to lighten up the place a little but Kakashi's increasingly devious traps eventually put a stop to that. Nobody wanted to risk death for daring to try and make their sensei's living space a little less depressing.

Fortunately for Sakura, the sheer ridiculous amounts of kunai and senbon harmlessly clink off her hardened skin so she doesn't even bother dodging. Huh. The man added poison since the last time she stopped by to check on him post-mission. Everything is pretty much exactly where she recalls it to be so in no time at all Sakura grabs a stack of masked vests before running away with her thieved goods. She's pretty sure she felt Gai's aura of nausea-inducing joy approaching rapidly. This is one headache she doesn't want to deal with.

Sakura's going to figure out how to excuse the fact that she's wearing Kakashi's shirts and wow, guess she does a lot of suspicious shit that gives people reasons to question her fidelity. Oh well. If anyone tries to accuse her of fucking her former sensei she can always punch them in the face. It's a true tried method that worked for Sakura for years at this point.

The next day arrives with the grace of an elephant in a porcelain shop. Sakura spent all night altering Kakashi's shirts so the mask won't slip in the worst possible moment and then went looking for food. Lady Luck smiled down on her because literally the moment she left her apartment, she happened upon an Oto spy. She doesn't even feel guilty about that one. Chances the world is better off without that guy are high enough.

Back to the elephant in the porcelain shop. Said elephant is tall, very orange and loud as fuck. Right behind him is a marginally more graceful and definitely more silent animal. That one's a snarler.

“SAKURA-CHAN!” There's too many people in her life and all of them are too fucking loud. Sakura almost falls off her bed and destroys the nest of former sensei shirts until they're all over the place. One lands in Sasuke's face who, unfortunately, recognises it immediately. Welp. Snarling intensifies.

“Where were you?!” Sasuke demands with a hiss but Sakura is too preoccupied with fending off Naruto who apparently, made it his life's mission to hug her to death. It's a funny joke. Too bad he wouldn't get it. For Sakura it's easy to avoid her male best friend. What makes this task much harder than it has any right to be, is the sunlight currently spilling inside her apartment through a wide open door.

“Close the damn door before you wake up the entire neighbourhood you animals!” Nobody listens to her which isn't surprising. They never have. Sakura, in a move she will later congratulate herself for, vaults above Naruto's head, carefully sidesteps the ray of light, before reaching for the knob and slamming the door shut. Once again enveloped by complete and utter darkness, she allows herself a moment to fake breathe. Then it's time to address the chaos brigade.

“You two,” she begins after making sure that the genjutsu is still in place and the mask shirt prototype hides her fangs because Sakura's definitely baring her teeth in annoyance.

“Return from missions later than scheduled _all the time_.” If she'd been talking to Hidan, Sakura would have found three opportunities for a well-placed 'fuck'. Inconveniently, Sasuke is very much convinced that she is a good girl. One with anger issues, sure, but still. Good girl. And good girls don't swear. Why did she want to be the Uchiha matriarch again?

“But we're not you, Sakura-chan! Sensei's in the hospital and when we went to see him he told us you were with another man! What if... what if he did the... you know, the _thing_ to you?” Sakura is too fucking dumbfounded to decide on whether she should be furious, insulted or worried. In the end she settles for what she knows best.

“The _thing_? What _thing_? Do you mean _sex_?” Massive ew because Hidan but Naruto seems to be under the misconception that she's unable to take care of herself and oh, she's going to correct that one. With a hammer. And rusty nails. Sasuke visibly bristles while Naruto wilts, eyes wide and glassy as if her questions were some sort of confirmation.

“Did... did he... touch you?” he asks weakly and it takes all of Sakura's self control not to light her hands on fire and charge him with an unholy screech.

“Naruto?” she asks sweetly and neither male is currently rational enough to recognise the tone in her voice for what it is.

“Nobody touched me. I met up with an old friend. That is all.” Sakura tries, oh lord in heaven, she tries.

“And why are you wearing Kakashi's shirt? Apparently some people think you're having an affair. Is it him? Tell me!” Well. In the end, nobody can blame her because as evidenced, Sakura did try.

She's done trying now.

“I. AM NOT. HAVING. AN AFFAIR!”

She'll also have to look for a new apartment because her current one is somewhat busy burning to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip to Sakura's apartment.


	11. All My Friends Are Heathens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura has shit friends. That's the gist of it, really.

The shirts are safe and that's what counts. Sakura clutches them protectively to her chest as she stands in the middle of the street with Naruto and Sasuke by her side. Both are singed in places and clearly still in shock while Sakura is just happy she's fully dressed. She's quite fond of Shino's sunglasses, her alterations to the shirt mean the mask is in place and Kiba's hoodie takes care of the rest.

Even if she's homeless now. Not great. But then again Sakura doesn't _really_ need a place to sleep. Or eat. Actually, all she requires is some sort of lair. Comfort means little to her hard skin and neither do wind, cold or weather in general. As long as it's dark and protected from the sun she's good to go.

“Oh my- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” That's fucking it. Sakura's going to buy a pair of earmuffs. Otherwise, in a few years time, she's going to need hearing aids. An immortal, nearly invincible superhuman murder creature with hearing aids. Yeah. Hidan's going to get a kick out of this which means Sakura can never let it happen.

“Sakura set her apartment on fire.” Ah. It seems Sasuke has recovered enough to talk. And glower. At her. Fucking why? She didn't do anything! Well. Except for the apartment fire. Shit. And here Sakura was convinced she had the fire control down pat. Ino stalks closer and admittedly, it takes her a moment until she recognises the pink strands of hair peaking out from the hood covering her head.

“FOREHEAD?! First you disappear without even letting me know, then you come back only to torch your place? And are those Kakashi's shirts?!” Come to think of it, perhaps Ino is possibly the worst person to have found her in this place at this exact time. Sakura is willing to bet that it's going to take her less than two hours to make sure everyone and their mother knows about this.

“I know it looks suspicious. But it actually makes sense. I promise.” None of it makes sense at least not with the limited amount of information she'll provide.

“Saku-chan... fire... she's a demon... has to be...” Great. Naruto is traumatised and useless. Sasuke is furious and equally useless. Ino is frighteningly efficient in all the wrong ways. It's pretty hard to spot the sliver of concern nearly buried beneath sheer glee at Sakura's misfortune. With friends like these...

“That's Kiba's hoodie. And Shino's glasses. Shit forehead, are you banging the entire village and collecting trophies?” Sasuke is not amused and resorts once again to snarling incomprehensibly. Sakura glares at Ino not that it actually does anything because A) sunglasses and B) Ino knows exactly what she's done.

“Jealous, pig?” Mistake. Sasuke's hand shoots out to grab her wrist but Sakura being super duper awesome undead, avoids his grip entirely on instinct so he catches nothing but thin air. She looks at him and can see the wheels in his head turning. He's currently convincing himself that he must've been slower than expected because no way, Sakura is suddenly faster than him. If she had to complain about one thing only it'd be his inherent belief that he is in all ways superior to her. Well. Tough luck, sausage. There's a new bitch in town.

Ino purses her lips, pointedly looks Sakura up and down, without saying a word conveying just how much she is not jealous of Sakura. Which. Fair. Rude but fair. She needs to shop for clothes and see a tailor about those custom fitted mask shirts. Sakura can't keep stealing Kakashi's property forever. Even if she doesn't have to be scared of the consequences anymore. Her sensei is a good man who'd never resort to fire to punish his students. Everything else she doesn't have to worry about anyway.

“Well. Looks like they got the fire under control. I got things to do, places to be, you know how it is.” All three look like they do, in fact, not know how it is and wish to protest vigorously so Sakura doesn't even give them the chance. Good thing she's leagues faster than all of them.

Getting her measurements taken is an uncomplicated affair if one ignores that one time the tailor accidentally stabs her with a needle except the needle just straight up bends at a ninety degree angle instead of going through her skin. Sakura shrugs and the tailor resumes his work though much more careful than before. The man's happier pretending his mind played a trick on him and Sakura's only too happy to let him.

He promises her that the shirts will be ready within the week so Sakura gets real close and flashes her eyes. She's not proud of herself but it works and suddenly she can get her shirts tomorrow. Life can be so easy sometimes.

Her next stop is the ninja outfitter where Sakura gets three pairs of allegedly unbreakable sunglasses that make her look more like a vintage fashion model than a fearsome ninja but hey, they look nice _and_ are functional. Only because she's 100% more monster now than a week ago doesn't mean she has to be less of a woman. Fashion is nice.

Sakura adds a stack of hoodies in various dark colours, thick pants, fireproof gloves and closed toe ninja sandals to her order and changes in one of the stalls. How nice it is to not smell of dog anymore. Sure, she still has Kakashi's scent clogging up her nose but not for much longer and it's something to look forward to. Unlike Tsunade's summon. Which arrives the second Sakura exits the store. In form of a disgruntled Genma who doesn't miss the opportunity to crack a joke at her wardrobe.

“Didn't know you were the lovechild of Kakashi and Aburame's mother.” Sakura does not offer to help him to the hospital. He can get there by himself.

Sakura knows better than to waste time on her way to the Hokage tower. Shishou is sober now. Shishou remembers half of what Sakura told her last night. Shishou has Kakashi's statement. Shishou is pissed and Sakura has to explain. It's okay though. She's scared shitless but she can deal with Tsunade. Mainly because the woman can no longer hurt her.

In either case, the point is that Sakura can handle her shishou. What she can definitely not handle is shishou in the same room with Kakashi, Sasuke, Naruto, those fucking council relics and for some godawful reason, that old pervert Naruto is apprenticing under. Sakura enters the room and already wants to go hang herself.

“Oh fuck me sideways.” The words slip past her lips and Sakura has instant regrets. Luckily the elders are already mostly deaf and Naruto is literally too scandalised to repeat what she said with that megaphone he calls a voice.

“That an offer, princess?” 'Lo and behold, is she actually going to get a show? Sakura would pay good money to see the last Uchiha fucking destroy that sannin and she's about to get the experience for free.

“Now that I'm not seeing double anymore, you should get a checkup Sakura. You're awfully pale. That anaemia or something?” Abort. Abort now. Abort before shishou's glowy green hand comes anywhere near her cold and mostly dead body.

“Is that my shirt? Did she steal my shirts?” Kakashi not-so-quietly whisper-asks the room only to immediately raise his hands in surrender when Sasuke begins smelling strongly of ozone.

“I'm not having an affair!” she blurts out only to realise that she just dug herself an even bigger grave because damn, cunt-chan and bitch-kun look like fucking Christmas arrived early.

“We have always known you weren't suitable to help continue the Uchiha line.”

“And this is the final proof.” No fire. Stop it, Sakura. I know you want to but _this is not the time_. Shishou gets out of her chair and begins approaching Sakura, hands still green and glowy and oh fucking shitballs.

“Oh no. Look at her hands. They're burning again,” Naruto breathes fearfully while trying and failing at hiding behind Kakashi who still mournfully looks at his shirt and how Sakura butchered it to make it fit.

“Sakura, I demand you tell me where the hell you've been!” Sasuke is getting pissy. Shishou comes closer and Sakura slowly backs away until there's only a solid wooden door behind her. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

“You all,” she begins while reaching for the door, now full-on panicking and this close to accidentally melting the metal knob.

“Heathens. Every single one of you.” That is her parting hiss before Sakura squeezes her body through the tiny opening until only her head pokes into the room.

“ _Heathens!_ ”

Miles away, completely unexpectedly, Hidan suddenly sneezes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry did you say the h-word?


	12. Except for Tsunade. Praise Tsunade.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, praise Tsunade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised myself this is the last chapter until I update my main fic. So the next update for this fic is prooobably going to be around Monday? Or Sunday. Maybe Saturday but that's unlikely. But hey, extra long! Whoo!

Sakura does not go back to shishou's office. She does show up for her graveyard shift. After an entire day of playing hide and seek with most of Konoha's chuunin force – and here she's convinced that those pesky elders set them on her trail, not shishou – she's surprisingly calm and relaxed. The exercise did wonders for her state of mind. And ego. Because now suddenly everyone is so slow it's almost pathetic. They think they did not find Sakura. Sakura on the other hand, has been darting in and out of their general vicinity for hours. Fun times.

She did get cocky once though and paid for it. There's a black stain on the skin surrounding her collar bone where her hoodie got caught on a fucking branch and exposed her to the sunlight for roughly two seconds. She's still hoping that with her next meal the damage will repair itself. Hidan did say something about foreign blood having regenerative properties. At the time Sakura didn't see the point, because hey. Invulnerable. But maybe it's a sun thing. Hopefully. She's not going to be fucking stained for the next x hundred years or so.

The sun set an hour ago so Sakura feels comfortable enough to dress in something nice she's never going to get the chance to wear in daylight again. As it happens, it's one of the two dresses one of the chuunin found in the wreckage of her apartment. It's a tiny black thing Ino bought her as a joke a while ago. Not very professional but Sakura has an excuse. Even if the white coat in addition to the dress makes her look like one of those Icha Icha characters.

“Sakura! I wasn't sure you'd make it. I heard you got up to some sketchy business.” Hearing Shizune say the word 'sketchy' is surreal. It's funny for about half a second until her sister figure looks up from her charts and at Sakura. Who honest to Jashin looks like she was out partying and just remembered that she has a job to do. The sunglasses don't help.

“Oh my. You're so pale. Are you alright?” Godfuckingdamnit, can people just cool it with the glowy hands? Sakura dodges and grabs a few patient files as she twirls out of nee-chan's range. She signed up for rounds. She can do rounds. Probably. As long as nobody bleeds. There's a faint hint of iron in the air, always, even though Sakura is certain she's the only one who can smell it. But she ate. She'll be fine. Probably.

More fine than the unlucky drunk perv who ran into her in a dark alley at least. She'd feel bad about that one if he hadn't groped her ass.

“Just perfect. It's the light. Fluorescent shit just makes me look like a corpse. See ya!” Not her best getaway but she'll take it. Rounds, god bless them, are as boring as ever. And in her current fed state the monsterdom isn't much of a hindrance. It's kind of helpful, actually. Enhanced senses of hearing and smell always herald Shizune's imminent arrival so Sakura can flee in time.

On top of that, she can smell diabetes which is great because her medical jutsu is a thing of the past. Sakura doesn't want to explain that to Shizune though so she just scrawls a note on the patient's file, then gives up on trying to be helpful.

The labs are empty and it's kind of funny because Sakura spent most of her apprenticeship with Tsunade actively avoiding the cellar rooms. Running samples is the worst fucking thing ever. It's boring as shit and the actual workload virtually never ends. In short, it's perfect.

Until it isn't.

Sakura is preoccupied with balancing three rows of vials in one hand when the door suddenly slams open and she yelps. With the kind of speed and agility she should not be able to pull off, she grabs every vial out of the air before even a single drop of liquid spills. Tsunade, who Sakura by all rights _should have heard coming_ , stands in the doorway, rather unimpressed.

“You wanna tell me what the fuck's going on with you now?” Sakura looks like she got caught with a hand in the cookie jar, still precariously holding onto a bunch of lab samples. Shishou has her arms crossed in front of her ample chest, brows raised and patiently waits for Sakura to talk. Who gulps. Because patient shishou is dangerous shishou. You never know when it runs out and then suddenly, craters everywhere.

“Um.” There's not much else to say, really. If Sakura runs now consequences will be dire. Shishou has somewhat of a soft spot for her but it only goes so far. She let her run once. She's not going to let her run again. And Sakura _does not want_ to be forced right into Hidan's shirtless arms.

“Okay, so. Ah. I... Something may or may not have happened to me.” There. It's a start, Sakura thinks as she carefully puts the vials back into the fridge, not quite ready to face the blonde whose eyes follow her around the room. Tsunade will understand. Probably. At the very least she doesn't know any fire jutsu. As far as Sakura knows. It's a guess, really.

“It's nothing bad. Well. I guess that depends. But, ah, nothing traumatic at least. I'm just a little different. Okay, a lot. But listen it's not the end of the world. I-” Sakura will later blame her inaction on being too flustered in her shishou's presence because fucking hell. The blonde is right there next to her before Sakura can blink and has she ever been this fast? No fucking way. Also, shit. Because there's green. Right in front of her face. And shishou does not look amused. At all. Fuck.

“You're dead.” Astute observation, if somewhat incorrect.

“Ah, more like undead, really...” Sakura corrects weakly and cringes at the impending murder stare the older woman nails her to the wall with. Oh damn she's close. And smells delicious. Holy fuck. Sakura extracts herself from that situation with the grace of a fish on land.

“Who are you and what have you done with Haruno Sakura?!” Oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, Sakura yells internally as she dodges a chakra-laden fist. Not good. Abort. ABORT!

“I'm not an imposter! I- oooooh shit, I'm me! Just one hundred percent less alive!” Okay, she's not making a good case for herself but damnit it's hard to think with a furious war deity hot on her heels. All knowledge concerning her invincibility left Sakura's mind long ago as sheer panic takes over.

“There's a bottle of sake under the loose floorboard directly below your desk which is why Shizune never found it, oh my god please don't kill me-” The fist stops just a hair's breath away from Sakura's face. She breathes heavily, entirely out of habit and feels her heart pound against her chest despite the organ being completely and utterly still. Oh fuck. Nothing puts the fear of god in her quite like shishou does.

“Explain,” the blonde grinds out and Sakura realises she's not off the hook yet. On the bright side she's not currently running for her life. Unlife. Whatever.

“I got jumped by a murder hobo.” Doesn't make as much sense as it did in her head.

“There was this... weird ass cultist guy. Fucking bit my neck the asshole and drank my blood, then left me to die in a ditch. Next time I wake up I... you know, actually wake up except I'm sort of not alive anymore.” That's better even if shishou doesn't look like she believes her. Not like Sakura can blame her so she keeps talking instead.

“Then there was this other guy. Shirtless annoying fucker, called himself the leader of that cult and father of all truebloods. Shit name I know. Anyway, dude kept insisting I come with him to join his freaky family. I said no and tried to run away. I'm much faster now, y'know? Problem is the dude was just as fast. Couldn't shake him.” Shishou looks like she might believe her now but is not happy about it. Sakura can sympathise.

“Eventually we found the guy that bit me and I got rid of him. With fire. I can do lots of fire now. That's... kinda all I can do now? Bullshitting Shizune is hard.” Tsunade nods sagely, no doubt recalling her own efforts to try and get the younger woman off her trail. Like a bloodhound, she is.

“Kakashi found us arguing and tried to get me away from the murder hobo but I knocked him out instead. On accident. I swear. Then I somehow agreed to visit his cult at some point to stop him from having Kaka-sensei as snack. And, uh, that's it.” The whole story doesn't sound as bad to her anymore but that's probably because Sakura thinks she's slowly losing her mind. Has to be. This is the kind of shit people usually make up for some arbitrary sense of fame and recognition.

“Get a student, he said. It'll give you purpose and fulfilment. Fucking cocksucker...” Tsunade mumbles before closing an iron hand around Sakura's forearm and dragging her out of the labs into an examination room.

“You're getting a full physical. Right now. And you're going to tell me everything you know about this new... state of yours.” For the first time in days, Sakura can safely say she is genuinely happy. Shishou is fucking amazing, even exasperated and clearly done with life as she currently is. Sakura surrenders to her master's whims, lets her poke and prod at her, lifts the genjutsu over her eyes and fangs, hisses entirely on instinct when the older woman tries to inspect them with a flashlight.

“What's that?” she eventually asks, pressing a sharp nail into the sunlight blackened skin. Not that Sakura can actually feel the touch.

“Oh. Um, sunlight exposure. It was an accident. Supposedly the sun can kill me within ten minutes. That was about two seconds.” Shishou then smacks the back of her head.

“Idiot!” She's got a point. The physical lasts for another few minutes during which the blonde shoves her glowy diagnostic medical jutsu into every nook and cranny of Sakura's body all the while muttering to herself about 'medical nightmares' and 'fuck this kid, _why_ do I care about this kid'.

“Well,” Tsunade says as she places the stethoscope around her neck.

“You're the healthiest undead I've ever seen.” Sakura perks up.

“Also, I should note, the only undead I've ever seen.” Fair. That's probably a good thing. Sakura doesn't dare think about a world overrun by Hidan's brand of crazy.

“I'll reassign you to field work for the time being, solo eradication missions and the like. That way you can drink enough without murdering half my village. If anyone asks I buried you with graveyard shifts. Shizune will cover for you if she knows what's good for her.” That last bit is growled and Sakura wonders what nee-chan did lately to turn Tsunade against her like this. Probably found another sake hideaway.

“Marry me,” she blurts out, not at all in a joke-y way because she honestly believes she could be happy for the rest of her days with that fucking force of nature calling herself a woman.

“Now now... what would your pet Uchiha say?” As far as Sakura is concerned, Sasuke can go eat a dick. She's in love with shishou now.

“You know, my ANBU found a dead Oto spy yesterday, missing head and all. Got anything to say about that?”

“...I was hungry.”

“Why him, though?”

“He said I wouldn't do it.”

“Fair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My most trusty reviewer inspired those last few lines. Yes, you. I'm looking at you. You know who you are.
> 
> Self-awareness is important.


	13. Female Bonding At Its Finest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade miscalculates and gets more than she bargained for. It was bound to happen, honestly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHAT I'M BACK. Finished my longfic chapter faster than expected.

Things go well for a while, which naturally is enough to make Sakura suspicious. Tsunade keeps her promise and in the middle of the day, in her office with every single window wide open, yells at Sakura and assigns her all the graveyard shifts as punishment for her behaviour. They get stupid drunk after that. Well. Shishou does. Sakura mourns the lack of actual drunkenness. Fucking tragedy is what it is.

Shishou grants Sakura a day or two to get the rest of her affairs in order before she's going to be sent on mission after mission. Shishou is happy to have someone she can give all the murder cases without having to feel bad about it. Sakura is happy to have a never ending source of food. It's a win win situation.

Finding a new apartment is, as it turns out, a fucking chore. So what if she burnt down her old one? There's no reason to be such a bitch about it. It's what she tells the third person who denies her at least. Not that it helps her case. Sakura throws a fit and burns down a good number of Hashirama trees until shishou finds and drags her into the Hokage building while taking great care not to ruffle her clothing too much. Sakura appreciates the gesture. The black spot still hasn't faded.

What shishou does next, is unexpected. And beyond appreciated. Seriously, Sakura hopes that Tsunade never tries to marry so she can have her to herself for the rest of her natural life. And possibly beyond. Not that Sakura would ever dare inform her master of her half-baked plan to turn this woman should the need arise. Shishou is one person she refuses to let go. Mortality is for losers and shishou is the least loser-like human Sakura has ever known.

But to return to her original point, Tsunade drags her into the building and down the stairs, then through a super secret corridor until they end up in what appears to be a rather spacious living room.

“Fuck your apartment search. Pick a room and it's yours.” Senju Sakura has a nice ring to it and it sounds better with every second that passes. Apparently the Hokage has their own underground living space in addition to whatever holdings they may possess. There's a kitchen, three bathrooms, four bedrooms and a somewhat hidden exit that leads straight to the ANBU training grounds hidden close to the North wall of the village. In short, it's perfect.

“I think I love you,” Sakura murmurs, then happily skips towards one of the two bedrooms that doesn't smell strongly of either shishou or Shizune. She ends up picking the one that's decked out in red.

The other shoe drops after that. The sun has set and Sakura needs food. That in itself is no problem. Shishou's got it handled and dumps a sake bottle in front of Sakura. The smell of blood assaults her nose and immediately sends her into a pleasant haze. Technically, the sheer pornographic nature of feeding doesn't trouble Sakura who has to hide her actions so there's no one around to watch her moan happily and surrender to a kind of bliss that easily trumps all the sex she's ever had.

Well. Except shishou just won't fucking leave.

“It's, um, kind of a private affair.” Doesn't work.

“It's gross.” Shishou is a medic who has seen some shit.

“Please don't laugh.” It's a futile effort. Shishou does laugh. Actually, she snorts first, then almost falls off her chair as she watches Sakura make love to a bottle of sake. Figuratively. Not literally. It's not _that_ explicit, you fucking pervert.

Things do not get better after that because shishou is an intelligent woman with a curious mind and right in front of her is an entirely unexplored subject of study. Sakura is not an _object_ thankyouverymuch but something within her forgets how strong and almost invincible she is whenever Tsunade womanhandles her. She does not resist when she's being dragged onto the training grounds.

A single flare of cool minty chakra immediately clears all other scents as the ANBU scurry off to leave the wide grassy field surrounded by forests to the mercy of their Hokage.

“This is a bad idea,” Sakura protests, then lets out a single _incredibly dignified_ 'eep!' when the older woman comes flying at her. She does not pull her punches, holy fuck. Sakura can feel the bright crackling _pure_ energy in shishou's fists and feet and it fucking terrifies her.

“Aren't you supposed to be invulnerable? Stop dodging, you coward!” Okay what the actual fuck. Does she have a sign on her forehead that says 'punching bag'? Apparently. Her only saving grace is her speed which shishou doesn't even come close to matching. Nobody does. Even Kaka-sensei ain't got shit on her.

“Did I take on a fucking pussy as my student? Huh?!” That just about does it for Sakura who abruptly stops moving, squares her shoulders and stares at death because fuck you, she's not a pussy!

The resulting noise accompanying the collision can only be described as a clap of thunder. Like rock cracking under pressure, the impact sends a shock wave of sheer force across the training field, upheaving the earth and bending trees until they break in two. Somewhere, not too far away, an ANBU yelps as they get hit in midair and sent careening into some nearby shrubbery.

“ _MotherFUCKER!_ ” Shishou's hand in broken, no doubt about that. As a matter of fact, her entire arm is positively mangled with bits and pieces of bone poking through her skin and fresh blood running down the length of her limb.

This is a problem. Sakura cannot speak as she's transfixed, caught up in the most delicious smell she's ever encountered. It's rich and savoury with an underlying sweetness that reminds her of honey and berries, an irresistible mixture coated in the inherent minty fragrance that's entirely unique to the woman. Tsunade is divinity and Sakura cannot resist.

The problem has just evolved into a full-blown disaster.

The aforementioned ANBU stumbles upon a scene that can only be described as Sakura pouncing on their Hokage, mouth attacking the blonde's arm while straddling her lap and purring like a cat. Much later Sakura will wonder if maybe it's her own fault that people constantly accuse her of an increasingly ridiculous number of affairs.

What eventually makes her stop just shy of killing her mentor, is the incredibly bizarre experience of sucking on an open wound while the surrounding skin suddenly wrinkles and ages. Something in Sakura's feral mind short-circuits and catapults her out of her trance. In hindsight she'd really prefer losing her mind again because clearly, reality has gone to shit.

Shishou is still breathing and thank fuck for that. Yet the image of her pale and aged skin, the mess that used to be her arm and Sakura's senses overcome by the smell of her blood sickens her to the point where she, for the first time since waking up, staggers a few steps backwards and throws up.

Sakura vomits her little heart out, keeps going until she's sure that every last drop of Tsunade's blood has left her system. The hunger is back but Sakura tells it to go fuck itself. Instead, she focuses on gently picking up shishou's still body and racing to the hospital as if the devil itself is after her.

It occurs to her then that she's a messy eater and looks like she straight up tried to murder the Hokage which... was true. But also unfortunate. Sakura takes a gamble and is forever glad that Tsunade's shitty luck never rubbed off on her. The nurses know and trust her so she delivers a stupid explanation about training gone wrong and leaves it at that.

Then, Sakura leaves the village and spends three days going on a killing spree, jumping everyone and everything that looks like a bandit or missing-nin.

Another two days later she's brave enough to return and creeps through the window into the room with the mintiest smell. Unsurprisingly, shishou is awake and restless, henge once again active as she rests in a bed with slim reading glasses perched on her nose. Sakura is not surprised to see her mentor's literary choice is shameless smut.

“I just heard the latest rumour from my ANBU,” the woman says with a thin smile and raised brows, entirely too casual in the presence of her almost murderer.

“Apparently we're fucking.”

Eh. Could be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade does not give a single fuck.


	14. The Return Of Lord Murder Hobo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's favourite degenerate is back and he has shitty timing.

Sakura takes it back. It could not possibly be any worse. That comes dangerously close to tempting fate so she quickly voices another thought along the lines of 'everything is plenty bad, no more drama needed here, thankyouverymuch.'

Sasuke finds out and when he does, the entire village bears witness to it. He doesn't think Sakura actually sleeps with her shishou because contrary to popular opinion, he's not actually an idiot. Sakura is convinced of this. The problem is the damage to his ego and general reputation. It's like everyone is just a tad too ready to believe that Sakura would fuck other people behind his back like he's not enough. Yeah, he's plenty hot but there can't possibly be a lot of emotional support.

Which. Well. It's not like they're _wrong_. Sakura just wishes she wasn't involved in this entire affair to begin with. Unfortunate choice in words but you get the gist.

Back to the situation at hand. Shishou just got released from the hospital and just sat down in her chair, awkwardly holding a brush with her uninjured left hand. Sakura hovers. Shishou would probably punch her for being annoying except well, Sakura is kind of un-punchable now as they both learned. So she settles for yelling instead. That, at least, is familiar.

Nothing's on fire until Sasuke storms into the room, Naruto hot on his heels. Whether the blonde is here to try and prevent drama or fan the still literal flames is a mystery.

“I've fucking had it, Sakura.” Oh he's cussing. That cannot possibly be good. Sakura cringes and tries to hide behind shishou who is a literal traitor and moves her chair around until so she can comfortably put her legs up on the desk. All that's missing is a bowl of popcorn and the picture is complete.

“We're going to marry tomorrow. Then this fucking nonsense can finally stop. And what the hell is wrong with your clothing anyway?” Well shit. It's funny how a week ago, his words would have fucking made her day. Now all Sakura can think about is 'wedding kimono' and 'exposed skin' and 'I'm going to die on my own fucking wedding.' She has to do something about this right now but can't think of anything to say.

“Nice try Uchiha, but the council still has to bless the match. Also, Sakura's running a mission for me tomorrow.” Jashin bless Tsunade. Sasuke opens his mouth to argue but shishou uses _the look_ until the dark-haired Sharingan wielder relents.

“Don't try me, boy. I can still fuck you up with my off-hand.” She definitely can and Sasuke knows this too. He tried to challenge her once and boy, that was a mistake.

“Look, I'd love nothing more than to get married as soon as possible-” Which is the truth. Really. She's willing to swear on it. It's not like this small change to her status as legitimate living person made her change her mind or anything. Sakura loved this boy ever since she first laid eyes on him. Twelve years of planning trump being undead any other day.

“-but I do have this super secret mission shishou wants me to go on and I don't know when I'll be back.” Marginally less true but Sakura's confident she can negotiate the details with shishou. Loathe as she is to admit it, perhaps the time for her first trip to Hidan's crazy cult has come. Nevermind the fact that she spent barely any time in Konoha. It's just such a chore having to dodge just about everyone during the day. And then when it's night and Sakura wants to talk, no one is awake. Fucking shit is what it is.

“You can't be serious! You just got back after you went missing and you already want to go on another mission?!” Sakura can kind of see where Sasuke is coming from. Were their roles reversed, she'd definitely fuss over the boy. As a matter of fact, she _had_ fussed over the boy in the past when their roles were reversed. Have a taste of your own medicine and see how you like it. Sakura is not being petty. Nuh uh.

“She doesn't want to do shit but follows her orders cuz she's a damn good ninja unlike some other insubordinate shit in this room.” The gift that keeps on giving. Years ago, Sakura had worried over falling behind when she considered the obvious power of snake man and toad man before comparing them to slug woman. Little did she know that most of Tsunade's strength was her personality which very much enabled her to beat anyone into submission. Literally.

“I'll talk to the council. They won't allow it.” Sakura visibly cringes because one: they absolutely _are_ going to allow it if it gets Sakura out of the village and two: never try to flex on Tsunade by mentioning the council.

Absolutely nobody is surprised when Sasuke gets punted through the window. He survives the fall so Sakura isn't all that concerned.

“You got anything to say too, huh pipsqueak?” Naruto does not have anything to say and quickly excuses himself to help Sasuke to the hospital.

“You sure you don't wanna change your mind? The Aburame boy seems nice enough and probably won't mind the lack of children.” Sakura wants to take offense until she realises what shishou just said.

“I totally forgot about that...,” she murmurs helplessly. Dead body means no working uterus which means no fucking children ever. That's a punch to the gut but okay, no use crying over spilled milk. It's a metaphor because Sakura is also physically unable to cry.

“Come 'ere.” Shishou hugs her and for a moment, everything is alright with the world even if her touch burns Sakura's frigid skin. It's a small sacrifice and so Sakura huddles closer and buries her face in the crook of Tsunade's neck. It's how Shizune finds them a few minutes later before quickly excusing herself with a fond smile.

Those two are both absolute catastrophes in their own right and Shizune loves them fiercely for it.

The next day comes sooner than expected. Sakura still can't sleep but shishou can so eventually it falls to her to carry the blonde female to her bedroom. After that, she goes to find food and perhaps enjoys sinking her fangs into a would-be molester's throat a little too much. He tastes like shit and Sakura fervently hopes that Tsunade hasn't spoilt her for life. Unlife. Whatever.

The rest of the night, Sakura is busy not doing much of anything. She's bored as fuck considering she has to stay away from everyone she knows, there's nobody to train with – not that she really needs to practise anymore, does she – and burning down parts of the forest gets old pretty quick.

Konoha is not a good place for monsters like her and Sakura hates that in the end, Hidan turned out to be right. She loves this place goddamnit and doesn't _want_ to leave but she can do fuck-all when the sun is shining, her marriage will probably not even happen considering she can't actually give Sasuke the child he wants, and there's _nothing to do fucking ever_.

Shishou fucking gets it which is probably why she agreed to just send Sakura out there with a list of people she wants dead and no further instructions than that. Sakura can take her time, find that damn hobo cult, do whatever she wants. Dwelling on what-if's and could-have-been's is pointless so Sakura gets her shit together and, as soon as the sun dawns on Konoha, jumps through the Hokage tower's open window to accept the bounties shishou chose for her.

“Alright, so I got a bunch of shit here, just grab whatever you want.” This entire business is so mutually beneficial it's fucking beautiful.

“Got any S-Ranks?” Yeah. Beautiful.

“I'm gonna make you jounin once you come back whenever. Personal executioner of the Godaime fucking Hokage. Like the sound of that?” Fuck yeah she does. Sakura ends up with four S-Rank bounties, fifteen A-Rank contracts and then a bunch of lowlife targets who only barely managed to get their own bingo book entry.

“Alright. Stay safe, kid. If you come back with any more of those black spots I'll kick your ass.” Because Tsunade will not be intimidated by a thoroughly fucked up arm and near death experience at the fangs of her own student. Sakura can respect that and nods obediently.

After that she makes her way to the main gate, successfully avoiding any unwanted attention. Well. Until she doesn't. Shit.

Literally everyone is there. Kaka-sensei with Naruto, Sasuke and Sai, Ino who seemingly forced Shika and Choji to get up really fucking early, Hinata and Kiba and Shino, also Kotetsu and Izumo.

“We're here to stop you from leaving.” Yeah what the fuck. Not like they actually could but what makes them think they have the right?

“What the hell are you doing? Do you need more work? A mission or two, maybe in Snow? Get the fuck out of my way.” Sakura swears that this is the last time shishou has to save her. The crowd disperses until the former blockade lingers close to the gates, daunted by the fury that is Senju Tsunade.

“Go.” They already said their goodbyes so Sakura nods and turns around to leave. Which is when disaster strikes. She's barely one foot out of the village when the leaves to her left rustle and someone jumps out from between two trees.

“HEY, BITCH!” It's Hidan and he waves like an overly excited child, shirtless as ever, a wide grin plastered on his stupid face and in full view of all of Sakura's friends.

“Nice himbo you got yourself there.” Shishou is the only one to comment on Lord Hobo's sudden appearance before Sakura darts forward and punches him in the face so hard that he flies away with a loud whoop of joy.

“SAKURA WHAT THE FU-” Before Sasuke can finish yelling, Sakura turns around one last time, waves, then runs off into the distance.

She has a Hidan to find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ready for some Akatsuki? Cuz they comin'.


	15. Somehow Hidan's Friends Are Even Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amegakure! Akatsuki! Konan regrets her entire existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 15 chapters in the Akatsuki tags finally become valid.

“Why the fuck are you even here?” It took a while to find Hidan. Sakura put a bit too much force into that punch and he really went flying. Not that it bothers him much. Sakura wonders if violence of all kinds is something of a normal greeting ritual among his clan of leeches.

“To bring you home, of course! Not like you know where to go.” That actually makes sense. Sakura doesn't know why she expected the opposite. Oh yeah. Hidan's clinically insane. Tiny detail, huuuge impact.

“Right.” She doesn't argue because there's literally no point. She has no reasonable excuse to decline his offer now, not when shishou gave her blanket permission to do whatever the fuck she wants. As long as Sakura collects a bunch of high profile bounties. Easy pie, that.

“So, uh, where exactly are we going?” Not that far, as it turns out. Or maybe her perception of time and travel distance is just horribly skewed. Either is likely. The change in scenery becomes obvious when the rain begins. Or, to be more accurate, _never stops_.

Sakura's so fucking glad that wet skin doesn't bother her and neither does the cold – even if the subtle layer of frost building on her exposed flesh is kind of weird. Also pretty cool. It makes her sparkle under the electric lights of Amegakure and what looks somewhat ridiculous on Hidan, suits her surprisingly well. She's like a fairy. A blood-sucking, immortal, murder fairy.

“Before you can formally meet the coven, I have to introduce you to the kage because formalities and shit. She's kind of our patron and pretty okay for a heathen.” Because that is Hidan's universal method of measurement. Full-on heathen, pretty heathen, lowkey heathen, balanced heathen, not-very-much heathen, fuck-all heathen and then – and only then – acquaintance. Not friend because Hidan does not have friends.

“You don't wear a headband.” Or much else but she's used to that by now. Sakura's convinced that if Hidan were to one day show up fully clothed, she wouldn't even recognise him.

“I don't belong to no fucking village. I'm older than all of those fuckers, seriously.” Of course. How could she have forgotten.

“But my coven needs a place to be, yeah? And it never stops raining in Ame cuz Pein is on some kind of power trip, thinking he's a god and shit. Fucking heathen, Imma show him-” Hidan descends into senseless mutters after that so there's no point in listening anymore. Pein, on the other hand, rings a bell. Sakura knows that Amegakure is the strongest of the ninja villages mostly due to their S-Rank group of missing-nin that operates under the leadership of the Amekage.

She's never run into any of them but she's pretty sure Sasuke's brother is one of them. Not that he talks much about the man who massacred his entire family. Bit of a touchy subject, that.

“Anyway, I struck a deal with the heathen so now I have to occasionally run missions for them but it's my sacred duty and shit to take care of my coven, yeah? It's a pain in the ass but it's Jashin's will.” Huh. For a moment there he's only marginally less insane but infinitely more responsible and honestly, it's not a bad look on him. The realisation is shocking and Sakura can't have that, so she ruins the moment by testing if her fire still works in the pouring rain.

Spoiler alert: It absolutely does.

Sakura expects the kage to be this Pein guy Hidan has a religious quarrel with. So naturally, she's caught off guard by the tall and _fucking beautiful_ blue-haired woman that meets her in front of the gates of what Sakura assumes is the Amekage building.

Seriously, what the fuck is it with Sakura being blessed with the company of flawless beauties? And why the hell did none of that ever rub off on her? Fucking sacrilege is what it is.

“Hi, I'm pretty, you're Sakura.”

So much for good first impressions. Hidan thinks it's hilarious but he's still sour over being set on fire again. Amekage-lady is not impressed. That's okay. In her place, Sakura wouldn't be impressed either.

“Is this your runaway?” the woman asks Hidan without introducing herself which is kinda rude but once again, understandable.

“What? Nah, he turned her and she fucked him up. She's part of the coven now.” Sakura wiggles her fingers in a cheery wave to emphasise his words. The woman has an expression that makes Sakura think of a tired mother. Like she's dealt with Hidan for years at this point and just can't be fucked to argue anymore. Sakura can relate. Perhaps they might bond over their mutual exasperation? She certainly wouldn't mind some bonding with the blue-haired kage.

“Stay away from the civilians, my word over Hidan's, and never enter the Akatsuki tower without a certified escort,” said kage says in a cold and monotone voice without looking at Sakura who doesn't mind much. The rules themselves aren't unreasonable considering how little she cares for the Akatsuki or listening to Hidan in general.

“I don't have to listen to him anyway,” she offers with a shrug which earns her a side glance from the woman. Yes. Victory.

“Fuck you, bitch. Ungrateful little-” She sets him on fire again. Amekage-lady is not amused. The random tall and blue-skinned shark man that just comes around the corner, is. Very much so. He roars in laughter and enthusiastically claps the shoulder of his stoic partner. Who looks familiar. Suspiciously so. Sakura squints at the short male as if giving off the impression of a short-sighted old granny somehow helps jog her memory.

“Huh. You look familiar. You're pretty.” She calls people pretty far too often. Maybe she should stop. Sasuke would yell a lot less which is always nice.

“Nooo bitch, not you too. Fucking Uchiha, seriously.” Uchiha? Oh. Uchiha. Ah. That explains it.

“You're Sasuke's familicidal brother?” Oh, he does not like to be addressed that way. Is that a Sharingan she sees?

“You fucking know the guy?” Hidan is clearly unhappy with this recent development so Sakura merely offers a shrug.

“He's, like, my brother-in-law.” Close enough.

“BITCH YOU GOT MARRIED?!” Right. She's supposed to save herself for Jashin or something like that. Which might actually end up happening as soon as Sasuke finds out that he won't have a single child with Sakura. She should tell him about that at some point.

“Sasuke married?” Murder-brother asks, genuinely surprised as if the prospect of his little brother settling down is ridiculous. Which. Yeah. Alright. That's fair.

“Well, not yet. Soon though. Once I, uh, actually go back to Konoha...” Once being the keyword. Not when. Not _if_. She's definitely going to go back eventually, no matter how much yelling Hidan does.

“You can't do that! You're already promised to Jashin!” Sakura rolls her eyes and almost sets him on fire again, when murder-brother interrupts:

“I'm afraid I must agree with Hidan. You are no suitable match for my little brother.” Fucking excuse you? Oh that pretty boy's got another thing coming if he thinks he can decide on-

“Wait, what the fuck? Is bitch not good enough for your pompous ass?!” Hidan's support is sudden and not unappreciated. Trust that man to switch sides faster than Sakura's sexuality.

“She is one of your cultists. I cannot allow her to to place Sasuke in danger.” Sakura's not sure how to explain to Sasuke that she stole his kill but goddamnit that is what this is shaping up to be.

“Um, fucking excuse me I'm not one of his-”

“FUCK YOU, UCHI-CUNT! If anything, bitch is too good for your shitty brother!”

Oh. Wow. That is almost sweet. Sakura hangs back as Hidan charges murder-brother who seems to have expected this and basks in the feeling of having someone defend her honour with blood, violence and plenty of religious text passages.

“Get a load of this, huh.” It's shark man and he relaxes next to her, leaning against a stone wall with his huge-ass sword loosely resting on the ground next to him.

“I'm Kisame by the way,” he introduces himself while emitting the kind of aura Sakura can vibe with.

“Sakura. I'm a cultist, apparently.” Shark dude looks her over with an appraising gaze, hums thoughtfully and then returns his attention to the very entertaining murder attempt in front of them.

“Get them under control or I will dock your pay for the next few weeks,” Amekage-lady orders with a sharp nod at Kisame who sighs and grabs his sword before half-heartedly jumping in the fray.

“God, I fucking hate these people...,” the regal bluenette murmurs under her breath as she turns around to retreat back inside her castle and Sakura can't help but feel right at home.

This place ain't so bad.

She'll do alright here.


	16. Blue Guys Are Hot And Capitalism Stinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura finally gets to meet the cult and asks herself how the blue-skinned shark man is the most sane person in this village.
> 
> Also, fuck Kakuzu. Mostly because he has no interest in fucking her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while! I'm really overwhelmed with all the things I'm writing so this has taken a backseat. Sorry! I'll try to update whenever the mood strikes me.

After much ado about nothing, if ado is secret code for brutally attempted murder and nothing actually means Sakura's questionable eligibility for marriage, Sakura learns two things. First of all, Sasuke's brother likes to throw around lots of fire so no matter how much they might have to talk about, she's going to stay really fucking far away from him.

And two, blue well-muscled men are sexy as fuck. Hidan's pride and ego are equally as bruised as the top of his head is black and crispy so he attempts to drag her away from the unlikely duo of normal and hot, and snobbish and... well, unfortunately also hot. Fucking Uchiha genes.

“Fucking shit ain't worth my time anyway,” Hidan grumbles before grabbing Sakura's sleeve and pulling at it. She doesn't move. Naturally, her top is now officially ruined. Not that it matters much, she supposes while staring down at the hoodie that's now missing a sleeve. According to Hidan, it always rains in Ame.

“Hey shark guy, you wanna meet up for drinks later?” she asks, not subtle at all but what does it matter. He's a fucking snack, okay? Hidan flails but shark guy doesn't seem too opposed to the idea. His partner very much looks like he wants to object.

“Ah, I'm off to go on a mission but once I'm done, I can take you to the best bar in Ame,” he says with an honest to kami wink and fuck, Sakura's a goner. Those teeth look sharp and she's always liked a nibbler...

“YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF, HEATHEN!” Hidan shrieks with the kind of pitch and volume that would put any harpy to shame so Sakura decks him. He's not going to cockblock her. He already lowkey ruined her marriage, dude needs to fucking book it.

“Sounds great! I'll come find you!” she yells over her shoulder as she, in a comical turnabout kind of situation, now drags Hidan from the scene. Who is not happy. At all.

“Look, I know you're new to salvation and all but these guys are mean cunts. You might want to watch yourself around them.” Aw. He's concerned. How cute.

“If they get uppity I can just set them on fire,” Sakura offers casually as she follows him through the village that's really more of a city, past steel beams and weird somewhat creepy monuments. A bunch of metal bars arranged into some sort of stabby stabby statue apparently counts as art here. And kami, that weird thing with the tongue and shit? Yikes. Ame's good as far as weather goes but like, the people round here need better taste. Desperately.

“I have to work for them yeah, cuz this is the only fucking place on this cursed plane that has no goddamn sun days.” Hidan does a lot of rambling after that and Sakura not a lot of listening. Although she does get a small kick out of the realisation that Hidan has to kind of prostitute himself to have a shelter for his hobo troupe. And that's kinda cute. Really, if someone sewed his mouth shut Hidan would make a decent husband. Dude probably fucks like a beast.

Bad thoughts, Sakura. Hidan is gross and doesn't own shirts. You can do better. Like shark guy. Or Amekage-lady. Shishou, if she ever realised that Sakura is not joking when she attempts to awkwardly flirt with the older woman. Like, seriously. How can a woman be so fucking banging and so old without picking up on someone trying to get into her pants. Fucking ridiculous.

But, as it turns out, not nearly as ridiculous as the building Hidan led her to. This has to be a joke. There's no way – _no fucking way_ – cultist leader religious murder hobo who regularly sacrifices virgins or some shit to his imaginary friend, has his lil band of misfits holed up in a _godddamn nightclub_.

“You're shitting me.” She's not putting up with this. Bright red neon lights happily flicker above her head, attached to a rickety metal contraption that apparently doubles as doorframe.

“The Bloody Bite?” she asks, raising a single brow in obvious doubt. What a lame ass name for a nightclub, holy shit.

“Awesome, yeah? Came up with it myself!” Yeah, Sakura thinks, as she watches Hidan strut like a damn peacock, that name's just about stupid enough to have been a product of that loopy fucker's mind.

The interior is just about as terrible as you'd expect it. It's dark, slightly damp no doubt due to the various water displays scattered around the club. The music itself is... well. Really, seriously fucked up comes to mind. It's all dark and deep bass, rhytmically pulsing in what closely resembles a heartbeat. Shit, can anything in this place be more cliché? At least, Sakura notes, there's no food here.

Civilians. She definitely meant civilians. Bottles line the bar and they appear to be alcohol though some are definitely filled with blood. Men and women in various states of undress dance on tables, the floor, or you know, the ceiling because why the fuck not. Those assholes can still stick to things. Sakura isn't allowed to do that anymore. How fucking unfair is that?

“Doesn't look very religious in here,” she comments while eyeing the tits of a naked female currently twisting her body like a pretzel. Actually, now that she thinks about it, perhaps this whole no shirt business ain't so bad after all.

“You practise your faith by living according to Lord Jashin's will. That means you practise pain, sacrifice, and do all the rituals yeah. Other than that, you can drink and fuck and shit all you like.” That's... much less restricting than Sakura thought it would be. She likes drinking. Fucking, too. Eating is nice and she can just hunt down criminals or something. Sakura also really likes setting things on fire.

As if summoned by mere thought, flames suddenly spring forth from her hands and wow, those undead fuckers are fucking quick. And, uh, sticking to various surfaces. Looking at her out of glowing eyes. Hissing. Like cats. Holy shit.

“Sup. I'm that hobo's latest mistake,” Sakura introduces herself while jabbing her thumb in Hidan's direction. She's great at making friends.

“For fuck's SAKE BITCH, I told you to cool it with the fire!” Perhaps he's right to be a little indignant on behalf of his creepy cult. They do burn like paper bombs after all and Sakura just lowkey flaunted her mastery over their greatest natural enemy. Brilliant move, if unintentional. Now nobody will even think about fucking with her. Sakura grins. This is shaping up to be a much better adventure than she'd originally thought.

Sakura does not, in fact, make any friends. She's a little disappointed by that sure, but who needs friends anyway. She ditches her hoodie and runs around in a fashionable red top instead that leaves most of her stomach uncovered. She's still not on Hidan's level of shirtless so it's okay. Sakura says it is.

There's not really much to do around Ame other than to party, fuck shit up and patrol the forests for intruders or something. She's not that comfortable with killing people for kicks yet so she passes when Hidan offers her a spot in his hunting party. Bless his still heart, he does make an effort to include her. Unfortunately, everyone is terrified of Sakura.

Which is pretty nice. Feels almost like being appreciated just, you know, better.

A few days into her arrival, Hidan has to leave on a mission with this weird stitchy zombie guy. Sakura tries to flirt but is denied in like, the rudest manner imaginable. Dude literally asks her what her bounty is. Like what the fuck. She doesn't have one and he is actually _disappointed_ by that. Criminals are weird.

Shark guy, is less weird. That's probably why she likes him best. Apparently everyone and their mother know where Hidan's hideout is located so when he picks her up she's currently in the middle of trying to drink out of a bottle. With fangs in the way it's not that easy and shit, this is like her first time with Sasuke all over again where neither of them knew what to do with their mouths. Sakura eventually fixed the problem by smashing the bottle against the counter and licking the blood off the table. In the grand scheme of fucked up shit that happens round this place, nobody really notices. Or cares. The others don't like to come too close to Sakura.

Back to shark guy 'My name is actually Kisame, you know'. He's a chill dude. Quite literally. Sakura has a blast flinging her fire at the man who just puts it out over and over again. It's great stress relief. And as it turns out, his chakra reserves are almost infinite. Sakura doesn't have chakra anymore but her fire doesn't seem to run on any sort of fuel whatsoever and never burns out. They're a match made in heaven.

Much later, when Sakura rests on shark man's bare back as he completes his tenth repetition of three hundred push-ups (her mouth waters at the thought – and the ripple of his muscle beneath her still body), Hidan comes by and ruins her mojo.

“WHAT THE FUCK BITCH I HEARD YOU KILLED A GUY!” Shouldn't that make him happy? Somehow Sakura feels cheated.

“Fuck off hobo, I'm busy,” she growls instead as she grinds her hips against the small of shark guy's back, grinning when the hunk of a man grumbles in appreciation. Oh they're going to have a lot of fun in the future.

“DON'T KILL THE FUCKING BLOOD SLAVES!” Okay, the screeching is ruining her mood. Sakura growls, leaps off shark guy's back and flings fire at Hidan.

“IF I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DRAIN THEM, DON'T OFFER THEM!”

“JUST DON'T FUCKING KILL THEM!”

“FUCK OFF I DO WHAT I WANT!”

“IF THEY DIE THAT FUCKER KAKUZU CHARGES EXTRA OK?!”

That's... a reasonable concern. Sakura stops attempting to melt Hidan's skin off his bones and returns to shark man who's still doing his push-ups. His skin is just as cold as hers and she sighs like a happy cat when she returns to her perch on his back.

“That how you settle all your arguments?” he asks and Sakura hums in agreement. Kisame snorts.

“Welcome to Ame.”

Welcome to Ame indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakura is horny yeah, and it's not going to get any better.


End file.
